update

so we still don't have very many answers.

the doctor is still leaning towards reactive arthritis. i haven't been able to get into the specialist yet, when i called the office the soonest they had a new patient appointment was in june. so thankfully my doctor called around and explained the situation and was able to find someone who could see me on the 15th of January.

the pain hasn't improved much, but thankfully i don't hobble around like an 80 year old anymore. with physical therapy and arthritis medication {plus a few others} that's gotten much better.

the doctor was concerned with a few other things and so we did more blood work right before christmas and haven't heard back from him yet, so we're taking that as a good sign. he did say that the bacteria is also attacking my nervous system and that's why i am so hypersensitive to touch, so if you see me, please don't touch me, it kills.

we called cooley about the appointment scheduled for 3 weeks after i got home and he said that there's not much we can do right now without this arthritis thing under control and to get that figured out and if my knees are still swollen and painful to schedule an appointment with him and then he'll be able to properly diagnose the problem. so fingers still crossed it's just the arthritis and i never have to go back to that office.

so that's all we know. and thank you for all the support and the notes and stopping by my house to visit and see how i'm doing. it means the world to me.

my diagnosis

the first monday i was home my mom and i went to visit my dear friend, Doctor Vern Cooley. this whole thing with my knees is getting a little ridiculous so when he walked into the room with his assistant the four of us just started to laugh and make jokes about my knees and how this whole ordeal just never seems to end.

we first did x-rays to see how my knee caps were tracking and if there were any problems with that. cooley said that my knee caps are set higher than they should be but it doesn't seem to be causing the problem. he also said that the space between my femur and tibia where my lateral meniscus is missing is getting smaller, but the gap hasn't fully closed yet and so it's not constant bone on bone yet. my legs, however, are extremely swollen and painful to the touch.

cooley's concerns were that if we operated right away with both my legs already being so irritated and swollen it would only cause more problems and pain with all that swelling plus additional swelling from surgery. on top of that concern, there's always been the fact that i'm so young and have had so many surgeries and they've all gone unsuccessful. what's another surgery going to do for me?

the verdict: intense physical therapy for 3 weeks to get down the swelling and see if the problem can be fixed through physical therapy, losing the extra weight i gained from those delicious frijoles and tortillas and not walking  around for 15 hours a day with a 25 pound bag on my shoulder. after those three weeks go back and see if there has been any improvement and if not we'll re-evaluate our surgery options and pray 5 and 2 are the last times i have to go under the knife.

he was also a little upset i didn't get a medical release from him to go on my mission in the first place....whoopsies.

tuesday the 2nd.

oh my goodness this day was so miserable! i drove home from rexburg, idaho. i had been touring the college, byu-idaho, to see if i felt any spiritual direction to my life. {no such luck -- total bummer} on my way home i made some stops to do errands that needed to be done or me or for my mom. there wasn't very much walking involved, but that night when i was laying in bed the pain in my legs was so intense i just started to sob. my mom ran up to my room to see what was wrong. my legs were so swollen and tight with swelling. my skin was gray and hot. my mom couldn't touch me without sending severe pain shooting through my either of my legs. i just laid there crying, "don't touch me! don't touch me! it hurts too bad!" needless to say, my mother is brilliant and started to realize that something else was going on.

we went to the doctor the next day and i started to explain to him everything that's been going on.
-if i walk longer than 20 minutes my legs swell to the point where i feel like it's going to rip my pants
-from my lower back down just aches all the time
-my knees throb. constantly.
-my ankles hurt to move
-my stomach has pains all the time, sometimes to the point where i can't even stand up straight
-my eyes have been strangely swollen (gross i know) and ache
-my fingers and toes get swollen and ache
-my skin is SO sensitive. even more than it usually is
there's more but i'm too tired to write them down. so basically i'm 20 years old and my body is falling apart. great, right?

so the next part gets a little scary. my mom and the doctor started talking about me possibly having MS or Fiber Myalgia. whoa. those are some big scary diseases to be throwing around there. but i was showing all the symptoms.

a terrifying needle prick and 3 viles of blood later we were waiting for answers.

on friday the nurse from the doctors office called and said that the blood results came back fine. i'm counting my blessings. and said that the doctor looked into it more and thinks that i have re-active arthritis.

re-active arthritis very rare and is caused by a bacterial infection in the intestines that causes your whole body to swell and causes severe pain in your lower back, knee and ankle joints.  reactive arthritis lasts for about a year but every case seems to be different, with some people it never fully goes away and others feel fine after making some lifestyle adjustments and with the proper meds.

the swelling explains why i've gained 12 pounds and can't seem to shed a pound. and it also explains why i'm constantly in some sort of pain. so now we are left to find a specialist to do more blood work and x-rays and find out what bacteria i have that's causing all of this and what we can do to lessen my pain.

we're guessing i got the bacteria my 2nd week in the CCM when i got extremely ill, but we don't really know anything for sure yet. fingers crossed we'll be able to get into a specialist soon and get some more answers!!

but on the bright side, the pain in my knees could possibly just be coming from the arthritis and they could be perfectly fine on the inside, which possibly means . . . NO SURGERY!!! :D  so we'll go see cooley again on the 18th and see what he has to say about everything. we're guessing we'll need to solve this other problem before we will really know what's going on with my knees, so fingers crossed we'll just avoid surgery all together.

being in pain all day and hardly being able to do anything has been zero fun whatsoever, but i'm so grateful that we are getting answers and finding out what we can do to get this pain in the past. i'm also grateful i do have other aspects of my health that are still good and i'm extremely grateful for my mom who is doing everything she can to help me and has been putting up with me and all of my tears from the pain and meltdowns because none of my clothes fit right and i feel fat all the time and that she'll sit down next to me in the middle of the isle at the grocery store simply because i can't walk anymore and need to sit down. the Lord truly has blessed me with so many things and i cannot thank Him enough.

journal entry from the air . . .

this is my journal entry as i came home:

well, I'm on the airplane right now, about to touch down on American soil. My heart is racing so fast. Any ways, I couldn't sleep last night, I was to freaked out about today. I woke up at 5 and the secretaries came and got me at 5:45 and took me to the airport, helped me through the giant line and got me to security and then left. It's strange to think that there won't be clapping noises in the streets all the time from the tortillarias or kids playing futbol or baseball in the middle of the street all day and it's going to be super strange to not have to pray throughout the whole meal to be able to not gag and keep the food down, except hermana silvia's food, i'm going to miss her delicious food terribly. So Hermana Sanchez and i were talking and decided that more bad things happen to you on your mission than good, but when the good moments happen it makes it all worth it. I honestly don't remember all the details about the bad times, i know i had them, i know this was the absolute hardest thing i've done, but details, i don't really know. but i'll never forget seeing Sergio in the church before us in a white shirt and tie and his face and smile. i'll never forget the night i committed Frank to baptism and the spirit. I'll never forget seeing Antonia and Flor become so accepting of the gospel and light up as we teach truth. I'll never forget David and Xiomara and how great their desire is to become an eternal family. There moments are what make the crappy days and weeks worth it and in the end that's all you remember.

Right now I don't know what I'm going to do -- this is the first time I don't have a plan for my future and I'm oddly okay with it. I just feel so much peace right now and we'll just take it one day at a time.

Un dia al la ves.

Amor, Hermana Tuddenham

I still don't really have a plan and still am taking one day at a time. there have been some complications with my health and so we're still trying to find answers to those questions, but one day at a time things get better and though at times i get discouraged, i'm starting to realize that this is the way it was always planned. from the moment i was going to submit my papers the first time and didn't. from the time i opened my call, gave my farewell talk, got on the plane to leave for guatemala. this has always been a part of my plan. i am so grateful for all the lessons i learned in my short time in the beautiful country of guatemala. it truly has changed my life.

coming home . . .

well, i'm home.

coming home early from a mission is very hard to do. for several reasons. of course all the whisperings around town and strange looks you get as people realize you're not supposed to be here, those are tough. but the hardest thing has been leaving the wonderful investigators I had back in guatemala and knowing that I will probably never see them again in this life.

so the first or second week of my mission i was playing basketball and went up for a shot and came down and landed on my knee wrong. it killed. but i just tried to ignore it and pretend that i was fine. after that i was super careful about what'd i'd do for deportes and on the days it would hurt i'd go out to the gym and just ride a bike. but for the most of the time it wouldn't be too bad because at that point i was still in the CCM and we'd be sitting most of the day, so not too much walking and for the most part they were fine.

my first day in the field, however, i could feel a huge difference and in the back of my head i think i always knew something was wrong with them, but i just ignored it and kept working.

on the end of that first week, one day we were out and we had been working all day long and it was probably 6 or 7 and at that point every step i took would send the sharpest pain shooting through my whole knee. it literally felt like someone was taking a knife to my knee each time i took a step. but i just kept telling myself, 'you knew coming out here that your knees were going to hurt. just keep going. it'll be okay.'

week 2 in the field the pain was still there. it wasn't getting any better. at the end of the day, we'd be sitting in our desks doing planning and they would just be throbbing. by the end of that week, my companion had even noticed that when we were out walking i was in pain. so one day after we got done praying for studies she noticed a bruise and asked if my knees were okay and so i told her the history of my knees. i've had four surgeries on my left knee and don't have a lateral meniscus and i've had one on my right knee and had the meniscus repaired, i've had 3 lateral releases and each time more and more cartilage gets torn. so that day we walked to a part of our area that is far away from our apartment and that's when the pain started getting really really bad. not only was my left knee aching, but now my right knee was starting to be very painful as well. at this point the pain was not only in my knees, but it was starting to move down into my shins and up into my thighs and there was so much pressure in my legs. so after almost not being able to walk home that night we called the mission nurse to see if there was anything that we could do to help. she said continue taking ibuprofen and on P-day buy frozen peas and use them to help with the swelling at the end of the day.

week 3 was so hard. they would hurt in the morning even before we went out and started working. they were so swollen. my companion would tease me and call me old because walking was so painful i guess i walked like an old person. the pressure in my legs was so painful. i'd be laying in my bed at night and the pressure in my legs made it nearly impossible to even fall asleep. the nurse came to our area to do flu shots on wednesday and looked at my knees. she touched my left knee and i just started to cry from the pain. so she had me go email my mom and ask her to contact my doctor and ask him if there was anything that we could do. so my mom emailed the nurse and told her what the doctor said and the nurse called me and read me the email and said she'd give the information to presidente caffaro and he would send the information to the mission department in salt lake and they are the ones that decide about whether a missionary needs to be sent home for medical reasons. the problem we were facing is presidente caffaro was in panama at a mission president conference so he wouldn't be able to do anything about it until saturday when he got back. so for the rest of the week hermana sanchez and i would do our studies in the morning, go eat lunch at hermana silvia's house and then we go out contacting and to as many lessons as i'd be able to go to before i couldn't walk with the pain. so the last half of week 3 consisted of a lot of going out and working and then going back to the apartment to ice and rest and then going back out and then icing. not being able to be out working all the time is so hard as a missionary. you have one purpose as a missionary and that is to invite others to come unto Christ. and not being able to do that is so hard, i just felt like i was being a terrible missionary and like i was wasting the Lord's time. saturday morning i got a call from presidente caffaro to check in and see how i was doing. i told him about the pain and how the week had gone and also about feeling like a terrible missionary. he assured me that that was not the case and that those feelings were coming from satan. he read me a scripture, it was D&C 124:49 and brought me so much comfort. he said he had submitted the report and that we'd most likely hear from salt lake on monday.

so monday rolls around and it's p-day. it was a rough day, because that's our only day to get everything we need and the grocery store isn't exactly right around the corner. we went to email our families and the church that has the computers isn't even in our area, so my knees were already hurting before we were even half way there and then my companion needed to get some money from her family at the other end of our area. so we rode the transmetro to one of the mercados and we were at the bank and presidente caffaro called and said that salt lake had just emailed him and said to send me home. when he said that, tears started to come right away and then he thanked me for my service and said that they would miss me and that hermana caffaro would call me later and that the AP's would call me with my flight plans.

later that night at 8:45 we were at an investigators house eating dinner and the phone started to ring. it was hermana caffaro and she called to see how i was doing and thanked me as well. i love the caffaro's so much. there was an immediate connection between me and hermana caffaro, she is the nicest person and helped me so much with the adjustment to being a missionary in the field.

after that phone call the phone rang again almost seconds after i hung up with hermana caffaro and it was the secretaries to the president and they said that a taxi would be outside of my apartment at 9:15 to take us to vista hermosa where we'd be spending the night and my flight would take off the next morning at 8:30 and that the elders would be at my apartment at 5:45 to pick me up and take me to the airport.

after a very rushed goodbye to the people i love with my whole heart and some hectic packing of just throwing everything in sight into which ever bag it fit in we were on our way to vista hermosa.

that night consisted of re-packing and absolutely no sleep. all night long i listened to airplanes taking off and landing. my heart was absolutely racing all night long. i couldn't believe it was actually happening.

the day started off at a cheery 5am. my companion woke up with me and we both sat there as i got ready and we tried hard not to think that these were our last few moments together. we spent the morning laughing, like we usually were for the almost 4 weeks we were together.

45 minutes later our cell phone started to ring and the elders said they were outside. mi compa ran outside to open the gate and let them in. my suitcases were gone in a flash and hermana sanchez and i walked outside behind them and had a very brief tearful goodbye before the elders had to take me to the airport.

after waiting in the luggage line for two hours, the elders walked me to the security gate, i turned and shook their hands and thanked them for their help and then i was on my own. this was really happening.

after navigating three airports and going into shock after feeling how cold utah is, i was back with my family.

that night as i was released, i cried more tears than i did than on all the days combined that i said goodbye to loved ones and left to go to guatemala. i sat in my stake president's office and sobbed like a baby. i was actually crying so hard president pullan said i didn't have to take off my nametag right than, that i could wait until later that night when i felt ready.

so there's my story. i may have cried as i typed this out and it may have taken me two weeks to actually finish this. but whatever is my next step in life is {i honestly have no clue about what that step may be} i will always be grateful to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us -- a better plan than we have for ourselves and i am very grateful to know with my whole heart that Heavenly Father does indeed hear and answer our prayers in the way He sees best fit for us. He loves us. I know it.

week 9: will of the Lord

Whoa. Well this week threw a curve ball didn´t it? Was not expecting that at all. Presidente Caffaro submitted the report to Salt Lake on Friday about what´s been going on and he said we´ll know what they decide by today. The nurse says she´s almost positive they´ll be sending me home to get it fixed and that they usually do it really quick for health needs, she said her guess is that by Wednesday I´ll be home. But Presidente said he´d call me when he finds out for sure and I´m sure either him or I will be in contact with you about what they decide. Whoa. Ha it´s been a very emotional week. I can honestly say I´m more nervous to come home than I was to come here. But I don´t want to talk about that anymore so ya...

Any ways, this week was good! It´s been so hot! Finally!!! I have been a happy camper. 

Monday was a good day, P-day is always a good day. That night things got a little rough. All of our appointments fell through and no one would talk to us. We saw one of our investigators that was supposed to get baptized on Saturday smoking. So there goes that baptism. It was a really rough night.

Tuesday Hermana Sanchez and I woke up and were still upset about the night before and we went out and were walking every where trying to find people and go to our appointments and once again no one was talking to us. It was so frustrating! We were out trying to talk to people, going to our investigators houses, less actives, knocking on random doors and seriously no one would talk to us. We were feeling pretty down about everything and then we said a prayer to just find somebody. We then went and knocked all the doors in an appartment complex and were able to teach one lesson and the lady did not like it. But after that we went back out and were walking and still not having much success but then I realized, that I was out walking and trying to find people and doing everything that I absolutley could and that the Lord only asks us to do all we possibly can and that´s what I was doing. So I felt better. That night we felt like we should go to do how to begin teaching with one of our street contacts from last week. Her name is Flor, she´s 16, lives by herself, can´t read and is so prepared for this gospel! We taught her and she just ate up our message and said at the ends of our lessons, if she feels like it´s the right thing to do she wants to get baptized. Such a tender mercy and made the whole day worth it.

Wednesday we had an awesome zone conference about how to be better missionaries and meet our goals. Wednesday was a tough day for my knees. I could only make it to one investigators house before I literally could not walk. So we went back to the apartment and tried to find a ward member for me to stay with and another to do divisions with my companion. So such luck. PLEASE PLEASE work with the missionaries in your ward. It´s so frustrating when no one works with us.

Thursday was good, we were in and out of the apartment all day because of my knees. When it got to the point where I couldn´t walk we´d go back and I´d ice them and then we´d go back out and then in and out. It was so frustrating. But that night we met our district leader at the church so he could give Sergio the baptismal interview. He passed!! He got surgery on Tuesday so he won´t be able to be baptized for a little bit. But I´m so excited for him! And after the interview Elder Hart and his comp gave me a blessing and it was in spanish and I didn´t understand everything, but I felt the spirit so powerfully.

Friday we spent most of the day in our apartment once again because of my dumb knees. But we had one amazing lesson with our investigator Antoina, she has been so prepared and is so excited about the Book of Mormon and is progressing so well. I´m so excited for her. Her husband can´t read but she´s reading the pamphlets to him and the Book of Mormon and they both feel good about them. This gospel is so amazing!!

Saturday Hermana Trapnell called me and talked to me about what´s going to happen this week and she read me the email that dad sent and after that Presidente Caffaro called to check in with everything and he read a scripture to me that brought me alot of comfort becuase honestly I´ve felt like the crappiest missionary ever this week. But he said he submitted the report on Friday and it´s now up to the general authorities to decide what to do. So now we´re just waiting to hear back from them.

Sunday was amazing. I´m tearing up right now just thinking about the power I felt from the family fast. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You guys honestly have no idea what a strength that was for me. I woke up and just found so much comfort about everything and was so happy and was able to be out and working all day. It was honestly a miracle. No matter what happens, everything is going to be okay and it´s part of a bigger plan for me. It might not be ideal or what we expected, but that´s where faith plays in and I´ve just found so much comfort in that. So thank you. I have the best family in the world and don´t know what I´d do without you guys. Sunday there was also a big earthquake! It was awesome! Earthquakes are still my favorite things.

So that´s what happened this week. Oh also, I will never ever complain about having to do laundry with a washer and dryer ever again. It´s 5 billion times easier than doing it by hand. That´s all I can think of so I guess I´ll let you guys know when we hear from Salt Lake and what they decide. Maybe they won´t decide today because we aren´t the only mission in the world that they need to think about, but whenever we know I´ll be in touch. 

I love you guys so much. Thanks for everything! 

Love, Hermana Tuddenham

week 8: Lots of learning

Hey family! Sorry about the email last week, there was so much going on and so many people trying to talk to me and I was trying to write and it was just insane. So I´m sorry! I´ll try to do better!

So my trainer is Hermana Sanchez and she is amazing and fluent in english! That seriously has been the biggest blessing in my whole life at the moment. She´s from El Salvador and is so helpful.

So this week was really good, but to be 100% honest (and I told you before I left that my emails aren´t going to be the cheesy ´´oh everything is perfect, this is the best thing ever´ emails missionaries usually send. They´re going to be truthful) This is so hard. I knew the living conditions would be bad, I knew I´d be walking around all day long, I knew my knees would be swollen and hurt and I was ready for all of that. I was not ready for people pointing at my laughing at me all day long, I was not ready for how lonely it feels to only understand maybe 1/40 of what´s going on in a conversation, I wasn't ready for not being able to understand the hymns during church and not having Ang come up to me after and patting my back and saying ´hi hon´ or no hugs from Kim, or not sitting in between Cami and Brittany in the chapel in Cedar. It´s little things like that, that I had no idea would be so hard - but I also had no idea how happy I´d be walking around all day long attempting to talk to people. 

So on Monday we had P-day and Presidente and Hermana Caffaro came and played with our zone and Hna. took the sisters to go get ice cream and after hna sanchez and I went grocery shopping and I found peanut butter! YAY!!! 

Tuesday we went to go find two girls who we contacted in the street and they weren't home so we were standing outside of the door and this old lady is up on the mountain and says, you can come teach me. So we hiked up to her house and taught her. Her name is Antonia and she lives in a tiny hut and has a dirt floor and is really open to our message! It´s awesome. She has 7 dogs, a cat, and a bunch of chickens. During the closing prayer a chicken came up and pecked my foot....who would have thought that 6 chickens would just be chillin´ with us during a lesson? I thought it was pretty funny.

Wednesday was terrible. During language study I just felt so overwhelmed with the language and just started to bawl. Then later that night at an investigators house they were talking and I couldn't understand and I´ve gotten really good at understanding the phrase, ´she doesn´t understand does she?´ and one of the investigators said that and I felt the tears starting to come, so I asked to use the bathroom (that I do know how to say in spanish) and in this tiny, dirty bathroom, underneath the stairs I just sank onto my knees and started to sob uncontrollably for a good 5-10 minutes. Not one of my finest moments. I remember saying, ¨heavenly father¨ but I don´t think I got anything out past that. It was terrible. I´ve never felt so alone in my life. But then I read in Matthew 14: 29-32 and realized that I am Peter. We all are Peter and that the Lord has his hand constantly stretched out to us and that it is up to us to take a hold of it so He can pull us into the boat and the storm can stop. So after I finally stopped crying our investigator, David, started making jokes and had me laughing so it was all better and I finally realized who he reminds me of. He reminds me of a mix between Daddy, Shawn and Tony. I love it! 

Thursday was awesome!! I saw a volcano explode!! (I've seen 2 more since) It was awesome! I 

didn't have my camera though...so no pictures, sorry! But after I saw the volcano explode we were contacting and we contacted this family and the mom started making all sort of excuses about how they don´t have time and blah blah blah, and then she said, ´my son is in english classes and he has this big test and he needs to study´and then I said, I can help him study. I know english. And she asked how much I charge for tutoring and I told her that it would be free, just a service and she looked shocked and then agreed to have us come back and help him. So basically we´re going to baptize the whole family. It´s going to be awesome. But the coolest thing was Thursday night. There was not only one, but TWO EARTHQUAKES!! 

Friday we went and contacted with a member, she´s in her 60´s and lives alone and has a friend who she thinks needs the gospel, so we went with her and shared our message and her friend started crying and said that her husband is sick and has all these problems and she knows that the gospel will bless her life so much. Amazing!

Saturday was good, I met Juan Lopez. We walked past him and he started talking in english and normally I ignore men who talk in english because they just want to get my attention and it´s just dumb. But for some reason I said hi back and then he started up a conversation and he´s from LA and he gave me all the updates of what´s going on with football and said we could come teach his family on monday´s before football is on. 

Sunday was so much better! It was just a good day. At church we had an elder in our ward get home from his mission and then we went and ate lunch with his family and he was Kaden Newburger´s companion and so we talked about that and he said Kaden is doing awesome. Then that night we went to teach Sarleth and we got there and she was trying to make her house warmer. So me and my comp insulated her house using cardboard and a nail gun. Cardboard. My heart broke. Seriously, we have it so easy in the states. I feel so spoiled. 

So that´s all that I can think of for this week! Hope all is well with you guys! I love you so much!! Have a great week!

Love, Hermana Tuddenham

week 6 & 7

Hey family!

Okay wow. So much to say. So our last week at the CCM was awesome and very sad. Our district got so close, it was tough for all of us to say goodbye. 

So I told yáll about that song that we were going to sing for our last devotional and we had some people from the airport come over to have lunch at the CCM so we can have a better relationship with the airport and they´ll help out more with missionary needs. So our teacher had us go sing that song to them and the spirit was so powerful. This tough old man was sitting in front of me and none of them are members of the church and this old man just had tears running down his face, along with several other people. It was such an amazing experience.

So one of our last nights in the CCM we were waiting for our teacher and two other companionships to get done with teaching and so we were all chatting and having fun and someone brought up quarter basketball and one elder had never heard of it before so we played it with him and he had pencil marks all over his face and we were laughing so hard and presidente walked in...ya...not one of the brightest moments, but it was still so funny.

Mom I got the letters!! YAY! Thank you! They made my night!

So I´m really short on time and there is so much to say, so you´re just going to get parts of the week.

Presidente and Hermana Caffaro are the nicest people. I love them! They know Rachel Cox and are related to her some how and they also know Dave Richards. Such a small world!

So my area is Monte Maria and it´s in the capital just like 10 or 15 minutes away from the CCM. I´m the first missionary to start in this area so that´s kind of neat...We have some awesome investigators. We have 6 with baptismal dates and I am so happy for all of them!

My spanish is terrible. Absolutely terrible. I hardly understand anything, but each day it gets a little better and I understand a little more. Which is good.

It is freezing here. No joke. I am always so cold! It´s really pretty and I love seeing the city lights at night. The area is pretty poor and it is just heart breaking. I wish you guys could see the way these people live. Their homes are made out of pallets and scrap wood. It´s so sad. But they don´t complain, this is the only way of life they know. You guys seriously have so idea how blessed we are.

So as far as being the only white person here, it´s great.....I get honked and whistled at everywhere we go. Men always blow me kisses and one night we were teaching a lesson in the street and I was in the middle of teaching and this drunk man just comes up and kisses me! Thank heavens I turned in time and he just got my cheek....but still...this place is crazy! Little kids will see me walking and they all look at me and yell that I´m a giant. It´s so funny. 

That´s all the time I have for this week. My comp is uploading pictures with my camera right now, so I´ll send some of those! I love you guys so much! (They had a camera glitch so there are no pictures this week. However, the one below is when she left the MTC in Guatemala for the Guatemala City South Mission on Tuesday, October 28, 2014).

Love, Hermana Tuddenham

Photos of the Guatemala MTC or CCM

Hermana Tuddenham's CCM District

Elder and Hermana Burbidge & Hermana & Presidente Cox

Guatemala CCM Kitchen Crew

Hermana Tuddenham & Hermana Jepson

week 5: I need to work on my spanish . . . . .

Okay, so first off, this week has been fantastic and has gone by so fast!! Seriously I can't believe I'm emailing again. I wish I could tell you guys lots of amazing stories of things that have happened, but this week not much as gone down. Just a lot of classes and lots of Spanish. Which I'm still terrible at. But it's okay, it's slowly coming and when I really need help, like in a lesson with an investigator, I know what to say. So that's been a blessing. And this week I have just been so happy. I'll wake up at 6:30 every morning and just be happy. I'll sometimes just sit here and wonder why I'm so happy. I honestly can't tell you why other than the fact that this is the true gospel and the Lord blesses His missionaries so much.

So I told y'all that I'm the leader of the hermanas. Oh my goodness, it is so hard. There are so many hermanas here right now and spanish really is a struggle for me. But I have a good story from it, so I guess it's alright that I can't speak it. So the first night, I'm explaining all the rules to them, in spanish of course, and we're talking and I say, "If any of you get sick or have any problems I have the medication kit for the hermanas and you can just come talk to me and we'll make sure you feel better."  the last group of hermanas here called medications 'drugas'. . . ya, these new latinas do NOT call medication drugas. So, I'll just give you a rough translation of what I told all these new sister missionaries. "If you are sick or not feeling good, I have drugs for you. There's a whole kit and I'll help you feel better." Yep. I told 30 sister missionaries that I'm a drug dealer. It was awesome. They laughed at me so hard and I'm sure my face was bright red. But once we got that cleared up they understood....at least I hope. La lucha es real. (The struggle is real). 

We are singing as a district on Sunday and the song we are singing is so beautiful. We almost had one of our teachers crying. We are singing oh my father to the tune of homeward bound by MoTab. It's so so so beautiful. Please look it up. I wish you guys could hear it. 

So I'm out of time, and since it's transfers on Tuesday, yes I'm going out into the real world of Guatemala. It's going to be fantastic. I don't know if I'll be able to email you guys next week, so it might be two weeks until you hear from me. So we'll just have to see! 

I love you guys so much!! Look for other people to serve. Please. That is huge. Someone always needs you to help them. Have an awesome week! I love you!

Love, 

Hermana Tuddenham

week 4: One month already?!

Hello my dear family! How are y'all? I hope so good! Thanks for all the emails and the updates! I love reading them and seeing pictures!

Okay so first off, how has it been a month? Like honestly. I feel like I've been here for only a few days...but at the same time I feel like I've been here my whole life. But to think there's only 17 months left just makes my heart race! There's so much to do and 17 months just isn't long enough to do it all! I only have two week left here at the CCM and I have only recieved one letter so far and it was from Grandma Jo (thanks! It totally made my night!) She used a global stamp and it got to me within a week, so mom try and use those. Hopefully the rest of the letters make it before I leave, but from now on send all your letters to:

Guatemala Guatemala City South

Apartado Postal 340-A

01909 Guatemala City

Guatemala

and if you're sending packages send them to:

Guatemala Guatemala City South

Ave. Reforma 8/60 Galerias Reforma

Torre 2 Nivel 6, 606 Zona 9

Guatemala

with packages, if you use a private courier you'll need to call 502 2331-8611. and just be sure to put a little something in for my companions because they'll almost never get anything from home. I don't think I'll need very many because I can get just about everything here. But I do want that ipod with music and I'll keep you updated with that.

okay, so this week has been 1,000x's better. Honestly. It went by so fast and I have been so happy this week. 

One of the things that stood out to me most in general conference and a bunch of our devotionals is the importance of partaking the sacrament. It really should be something we look forward to taking each week and something that we take with deep reverance in our hearts. It should be when we remember the Savior's sacrafice for us and that was not an easy thing to do. But He did it because He loves us. This Sunday I tried really hard to focus on the importance and significance of what I was doing and it was a very special experience.

On wednesday we got the opportunity to go out and do actual street contacting. But first let me clear up confusion about when I talk about my investigadors, sorry I thought I explained this the first week. They aren't real investigadors, it's just our teachers acting like investigadors and at first I thought it was really stupid because it's pretend. But we have a special part of the building called CRE and there are 6 rooms that are decorated to look just like living rooms and we have to knock on the door and act like it's a real house. Our teachers use people they know to act and pretend they have the same problems and needs. It's crazy how much you end up loving these people and want them to be happy. We pray for them and really feel like they're real. So sorry for not explaining that earlier. So anyways, they opened up the gates and said go talk to people. I was so scared. I struggle with spanish more than most people in my district and get down about that sometimes, but it's okay. So we go and talk to this one lady and she just completely blows us off. But then we went up and were talking to one of the guards that was outside one of the stores and placed a book of mormon!! That was the best feeling in the world. And after that conversation we didn't know who to talk to and I saw this man probably in his 50's walking down the street. He was outside of the boundary we were given, but the second I saw him, I knew we needed to talk to him. So I said, "Hermana Jepson. We need to wait for him to get to us and we need to talk to him." So she said okay and we stood and waited for him. We walked up and said hello and asked how he was and he replied quickly and kept walking past us and then all of a sudden just stopped walking and turned around and walked back to us and started talking to us. He said he lives near by and walks past the CCM and the temple every day and has wondered for the longest time what they are. So we explained....IN SPANISH...real live spanish! He took a Book of Mormon and said he wanted to meet with us again! I love contacting! It is the greatest feeling in the world, to know that your message can bring someone so much happiness and to see the Lord working inside them! It's amazing! Look for experiences to share the gospel, they are everywhere!

We had a devotional by Jeffery R. Holland and something he said really struck me. He said, "What organization puts it's future on the backs of 18 and 19 year olds? What government does that? What buisness does that? What church does that? Unless it contains the absolute truthfulness of the gospel.' So that's just a neat quote to think about.

So there have been some funny things that happened this week. First off, we were outside on the basketball courts teaching each other and practicing how to contact and it was at night and we were standing in a big group and when it gets dark it cools off and bugs come out. So we're standing there and this giant moth lands on my shirt and I brushed it off because I didn't realize how big it was. And then it came and landed on me again and this time I realized how huge it was and screamed and started running around trying to get it to leave me alone, but it wouldn't! Oh my gosh the bugs here are so big! It was terrifying. My district was laughing so hard at me. It was not funny at all. Scariest thing ever. But then it turned out to just be a butterfly.....but it was still a giant monster bug. 

One of the other funny things that happened was last night at dinner. We had chicken drumsticks and the latina sitting next to me was just going to town and I have no idea how this happened, but while she was eating it the top part of the chicken launched off of the bone and smacked me in the face and rolled down my arm and landed in my lap. It felt like someone had just slapped me, except there was wet stuff running down my face. The look on that latinas face was priceless. One I realized what had happened I was laughing so hard. None of us could eat because we were laughing so hard.

So there's this elder in my district and he acts just like Ellie. Not even kidding. It's like I never left home and Ellie just came with me and is a 19 year old boy. It's the funniest thing and kind of nice to still have El with me all day. I want them to get married. I won't ever babysit their children because they'll be so wild. But they're perfect for each other.

So I'm still the tallest hermana in the whole CCM. The last group of latinas we had were very very very short. Like don't even come to my shoulder. One night we were standing there and I felt like buddy the elf. You know how in the first part of the movie he's in the north pole and everyone else is tiny and he's huge. that's how I feel every day of my life. I seriously am a giant. A giant with a very strange last name. Oh I wish I could take a picture of everyone's face when I say what my last name it. NO ONE can pronounce it right and it's hilarious. We'll be in class or at a devotional and the person in charge will be asking people to say prayers or lead music or something and they'll look at me and say, "Hermannnnaaaaaaa.......Jepson! Will you say the prayer?" It's so funny because they were going to pick me, but Tuddenham is just too hard for them to say. I love it because then I never have to do anything. Okay that's not entirely true because I just got called to be the leader of all the hermanas in the CCM. I am scared to death. We have our biggest group coming today and tomorrow of hermanas and I'm supposed to take care of them and guide them and help them and I can't even speak their language...so this is going to be a challenge. But I'm sure with the Lord's help I'll be able to speak a little spanish. 

I was so happy to hear the USU beat BYU!! Go Aggies!! My comp. is a die-hard Utah State fan as well. She lives in Vegas but went to USU last year and we were both very happy to hear of that victory! She said that they are tearing down the golden toaster thought! How sad is that?? 

Dad, we didn't feel that massive earthquake here. But we are right by the boarder of El Salvador so I'm sure some parts did, I just didn't because I was out cold last night. Sleep is pure gold. I love it.

Mom, I'll be sure to write you that letter you asked for. I'll stick it in the mail today or tomorrow. Sorry I'd write it now but don't have much more time. So be looking for that.

I love you guys so much! Thank you for all your prayers. You truly have no idea how much of a difference they make. It's such a blessing to have such a supportive family!

I love you!

Con mucho amor,

Hermana Tuddenham

week 3: This too shall pass . . . .

Hey family! 

So this week has been super hard and discouraging. But hey we all have tough weeks don't we? It's good for us to have some rough and sad times so that we can more fully appreciate the good times! So this must be a blessing in disugise right?

So I'll just hit the highlights from this week:

Good news! The tests from the hosptial came back negative, which is a blessing that there is nothing seriously wrong. They put me on some medications for 6 weeks that I take twice a day and that has been helping a ton. I still get pretty sick sometimes, but I'm able to still go to class. I know that the priesthood blessing I was given really helped me alot. The power of the priesthood is amazing.

So the market was a blast! This city is gorgeous! There are so many neat things! I found some cool things for y'all that I'll send home for Christmas! Wendy's was amazing. The frosty's down here are so much better than at home. Seriously, they are to die for! 

We committed our first investigador to baptism! That was honestly the greatest part of this entire week. The spirit in that room was so strong testifying of the truthfulness of this gospel. That moment in and of itself makes all the crappy times worth it. I am so happy for Frederman. He's ready for this and so willing to learn! 

So the funniest thing happened at one of our devotionals. An elder in my district fell asleep and was out cold. We all stood up to sing the last song and he was still out. His comp was being super loud and yell singing and he still wouldn't wake up. So after all the nortes (us white people) got in a big circle around him and just laughed for like ten minutes and he was still out cold. So one of the elders said on the count of three sing called to serve as loud as you can. So we did and not even 5 words into the song, which was exteremely loud by the way, he jumped out of his chair, his glasses went flying off, he said some words a missionary shouldn't say and had the look of pure terror on his face. We all laughed for probably twenty minutes about that. It was so funny!

I can't remeber what day of the week it was, but we had the worst rainstorm Presidente said he's ever seen down here. It was amazing! The thunder was so loud it shook the entire CCM and set off every car alarm in Guatemala City and made me scream, it scared me so bad. Then all at once it just started to pour. The definition of pouring rain here and in the United States is completely different. You couldn't see becuase it was raining so hard. It's the most wonderful thing to fall asleep to. It's not so much fun when your room floods because you forget to shut your window....that was an adventure to clean up....

So we got to watch General Conference in english and it was amazing!!! Such a good conference. I don't know if you guys noticed or if it's just because this is all I think about every day, but all the talks were perfect for investigadors. Please please please send me them when they get printed next month. There are no english ones here, and if they have them they are so expensive. I loved Elder Bednar's talk on the Saturday afternoon session. That was simply amazing. The story was so funny and so sweet. I could go off on all the talks forever! And how cool was it that they got to speak their native language! Dad, did you catch on to anything the chinese speaker said? Or was the english voice too loud? 

This week the most important thing I've learned is to rely on the Holy Ghost. Even when you're having the worst day ever and everything is getting you down, the Holy Ghost will lift you up in your darkest hour and will help everything seem okay. With my 16 hour days learning spanish all day and not understanding basically anything and then dragging my feet to bed at 10:30, the only thing that makes it worth it is the spirit and love I have for my Savior. I love Him. This is His work and it is amazing. I really cannot describe to you the love I have for Him. I wouldn't be out here if I didn't know with certainty in my heart and mind that this gospel is 100% true. This is truly God's true church. Never take advantage that we have this happiness in our life and have so many advantages of living in Utah and having so many temples near us.

I love you guys so much and miss you dearly.

Love,

Hermana Tuddenham

week 2: Being a missionary is the best thing in the world!

Hola familia!

So this week has been so good, but so so dificil. I have been beyond sick. I think I cursed myself with last weeks email. When ever I eat my stomach goes into knots and at first the nurse thought it was because of acid, so kind of like what happened to grandma norma after she got back from Hawaii, but it never got any better. I've missed some classes this week because I've been in so much pain. I haven't cried here until then. I was in class one night and it just hit me how bad my stomach hurt and my teacher, Hermana Chavez noticed I was huntched over and asked if I was okay. I couldn't even reply because I was in so much pain, I just had tears running down my face and so she told my comp to take me upstairs. I got to my room and just collapsed on my bed. Hermana Cox, the Presidents wife, came up to check on me and so did Hermana Burbridge and when Hna. Cox saw me she said, "I'm going to get your zone leader. You need a blessing." So they set up this little room and there were 8 elders in there waiting for me and I walked in and they gave me a blessing and it was their first time ever doing it and they did such a good job, the blessing was beautiful and the spirit was so strong. Now I wish that I could say I was instantly healed and all was well. But I wasn't. I had to go to the doctor and he thinks I might have a bacteria growing in my stomach or that my pancreas isn't producing enough lipase. wonderful right? so today we went to the hosptial and got some blood drawn so they can run tests and figure out what the heck is going on. I'm crossing my fingers that they figure it out soon. I AM STARVING!! The only thing I've eaten for the past week is carrots, peas and potatos-rabbit food. I never want to eat another carrot in my life. ever. but that's one thing that I love so much about the CCM and it being so small, is how personal it is here. The chef knows who I am, what times I eat and he makes me a special meal of rabbit food and brings it out to me in the cafeteria himself. It's so sweet. And all of the elders who helped with the blessing or who know I've been sick always ask how I'm feeling. We really are like one big family here and I love it so much. One day after eating rabbit food the only thing that sounded good was strawberry ice cream, so the nurse told me to eat it, we always get to eat ice cream but only at lunch, and Presidente Cox came up to me and said, "Sister, if that doesn't make you sick, you can have ALL the ice cream you want!" Score! right?...but I did get sick. However, last night I was able to eat my first meal in a week and it was wonderful! The power of the priesthood and the power of fasting is real. It really is God's power on the earth today. I haven't been 100 percent better, but I have been able to go to all my classes and have minimal pain. I am so grateful for this gospel. It really is the only way to be truly happy in this life.

So as we were teaching our investigadors this week, we asked Sabrina to commit to bapstism and we've had 6 lessons with her and so when we asked her she paused and then looked at us and said, in spanish of course, "I don't know that this is true." It just about crushed my heart. Like, how can you be feeling this spirit and have your heart be so warm and full and not know of the truth of this gospel? That was a rough night for me and Hermana Jepson. The next day we met our second investigador and his name if Frederman and we had the first lesson and got to get to know him and his concerns and the spirit was so strong in that lesson, I've never felt it so strongly in a lesson before. It was amazing and just made me so happy! I know we can help him find happiness, because, he is very sad and has alot of problems. But I know that as we continue to teach him that he'll open us to us more and the spirit will be able to soften his heart.

So our other nortes (gringos) are leaving!! I am so sad! So there will be only 4 white sisters in the CCM and the other two hermanas aren't even in our branch, so we never see them. And our latino roomies are leaving and I am SO sad!! Hermana Garcia and Hermana Flores are my favorite! We spend so much time laughing together. They are such sweethearts and will be amazing missionaries. Hermana Flores is very homesick and misses her family so much and one night we were all done saying prayers except her and I have the bottom bunk and so does she and I heard her crying while saying her prayers, so I got out of bed and knelt down by her and gave her a big hug for a few minutes and told her that I loved her in spanish and then got back into bed. I love the sisters I serve with SO much! I will miss them terribly and probably won't see them again in this life, but in heaven it is going to be a fabulous reunion! So now Hna. Jepson and I will be the only ones that speak english in our district but I guess it's okay because now I really will be forced to learn the language if I ever want to talk to someone besides me comp at meals. 

Tomorrow we are getting a tour of the city, going to a market, I am so excited! and we are eating at Wendy's for lunch! Yay for american food! I hope my stomach feels good enough to eat. 

So just FYI, it takes 6 weeks for packages to get here and 2 weeks for letters. I do want an ipod mom, I'm having music withdrawls. I want english and spanish hymns and CHRISTMAS music! I'm SO excited for christmas!! But don't send it just yet, because some mission presidents let us listen to disney music and if mine does, I want Frozen, Tangled, Hercules and some others. So I'll let you know next month what Presidente Caffaro says. 

Bubba! How was your birthday?? I sounds like you had an awesome party! Sad to have missed it, but I thought about you all day! And thank you so much for the journal. I use it every single day! and every time I write in it i think about you!

One other thing I was thinking about this week, is how blessed we are to be Americans and to speak the same language as the prophets. I don't think any of us realize how fortunate we are. The CCM is in the 'rich' part of the country and the home that is right outside of my window I would most definitley not classify as 'rich'. Very poor would be more like it. Seeing the poverty here is very hard and when I think about American wealth its simply disgusting. Hermana Garcia got a letter from her family and in it was ten dollars and I swear she acted like she was the richest person in the world. It was better than christmas for her. I was in shock. And to be honest felt completely sick inside knowing that I would make that amount of money in one hour at work. BE GRATEFUL TO BE AMERICANS

Oh speaking of rich Americans, mom I need a crappy looking watch like ASAP. Even though I only spent $1.28 on it, it still looks expensive and it could put me in some serious danger. So whenever I leave the CCM I never wear my watch or necklace. So no jewlery for me and I might just send it all home. 

Singing called to serve it my absolute favorite thing to do. There's just something different about singing that song and wearing your missionary name tag. It is still my very favorite item I own.

I am so grateful for this opportunity and I know that this church is true! Going on a mission has been the best thing of my life. Don't get me wrong sometimes it's hard and when your investigador tells you that they don't think it's true you just sit there and ask yourself 'why am I here? I don't even HAVE to be here." but then you have a spiritual moment and remember your purpose. Representing Jesus Christ is amazing and I couldn't imagine doing anything else with my life right now. Mom, will you print out a talk by Elder Holland for me and send it to me? I can't print out any emails in the CCM but I want this talk! Its so amazing, everyone should read it! He gave it in the Chile MTC on October 28, 2000 and its about the miracle of a mission. I don't remember the exact title, but its something like that. Read it, it will change your life! 

I love you guys so much! Thanks for your prayers! They really do make such a big difference! 

Love, Hermana Tuddenham

week 1: I LOVE being a missionary!

hola mi familia!

okay first of all, how crazy was last tuesday? i think i should get a prize for worlds fastest packing sister missionary. i did forget alot of things, but i will be able to live without some of them. can you believe its already been a week? i feel like ive been here for only a few dias. also, i apologize for the typing.The space bar is broken and the keyboard is different. Also, my ingles is TERRIBLE! Its hard to switch from writing in spanish all day to then typing nothing but ingles.

there is absolutely nothing better than being a missionary. en serio. its the very best!! its also SO dificil! some days you just get so discouraged and ask yourself what the heck youre doing out here. but then Espiritu Santo testifies to you your purpose and you feel so much better! Guatemala is muy bonita! Serio, I dont even miss utah becuase it is so gorgeous here. its also FREEZING in the mornings. Totally was not expecting that. I stepped off the plane and froze the whole way to the CCM (say-say-em-aye). So the plane ride was awesome, i made such good friends with two of the elders and now we are in the same district. its so fun. we got on the bus to come and we had to sit 3 to a seat and being the only hermana out of 20 elders, i had no choice but to sit with the elders. it was very squishy and i never want to be so close to an elder again! the driving here es muy mal! serio. its so bad. the lines mean nothing and they think of the speed limit as a suggestion. so grateful i dont have to drive!

I do remember the walkers, Elder Tims, Melissas brother es en mi districto. he is very nice and very funny. the thing about there only being two hnas in a district you have to reach into your inner 12 year old boy and laugh about fart and constipation jokes all day. es wonderful....not really, but we lovethem any ways.

Dad, do you remember who Gary Ellis is? His son is oneof the elders i became friends with and is in my district, his dad served in hong kong the same time you did.

 and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBA!!! I went to the market today and found something for you, pero i cant send it to you for seis semanas. But i will try and get it to you as soon as i can!

any ways i sat by this guatemalan and his daughter on the plane from LAX to GUA. they were so nice and told me all about guatemala. the temple is right across from the CCM and both are in my mission boundaries, so i am already here! There are 7 norte (americans) hermanas in el CCM. thats it. Hna. Jepson (my comp from vegas) and I are the only hermanas in our district and there is only 5 of us in our rama (branch). Hna. Jepson and i are the only hnas who dont speak very good espanol and so thats kind of lonely sometimes, especially at meals when everyone is rambling off in spanish. but its all good! the latinas are very patient with us and the two we room with are so sweet! we have been getting better at communicating and the past few nights, we just laugh the whole hour we get ready for bed. its the best! one of them told me i look like taylor swift and sound like her when i sing...i laughed so hard! i am also the tallest girl in the CCM, out of every sister that is here, the missionaries, the teachers and the workers. its just great. and i thought i was tall en estadios unidos, pero im a freaking giant down here. its pretty cool. i get lots of strange looks.

last night it rained. it rains every day. i will pour for an hour and then stop for three and then rain for 30 minutes and stop. it smells devine. serio. its the best! the food is also muy bueno. i like it better than americano food for the most part. mi poor companera has been so sick becuase of the comida...her tummy does not like it very much. the elders are also having some issues. i havebeen blessed to not be sick. i havent even cried since i went through security. this seriously is the best thing in the world! we are already teaching an investigador and the lessons are very hard to do porque mi espanol es muy mal, pero el espiritu santo es the real teacher. its still hard to teach. and its so frustrating porque we already love this investigador and we want her to be happy and thereis this huge language barrier! one night our lesson completely bombed. hna. jepson and i were so upset with ourselves. it was the worst day ive had here. you get back to the clase and sit there and ask yourself why youre even here, the péople cant understand you and you arent helping them and you just get so down on yourself. but then hna. jepson needed to go to thebathroom and so of course i had to go with her and i was standing there and i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and guess what? i looked like a missionary!! and my whole heart just filled with warmth. I saw my nametag and Jesuchrito underneath it and knew that this is where i am supposed to be. i LOVE my nametag. taking it off is the hardest thing for me, ive even fallen asleep with it still on my shirt. i never want to take it off!

i however, do not love cold showers, but i am learning to enjoy them...i think ive had 2 warmish showers and the rest ice cold. BE GRATEFUL for warm showers.

we went to the temple today and that was so amazing. i've never felt so much peace in the temple before. its very small, but so beautiful and i just love the people! i also saw my very first real nun today. who knew they actually exsited...i didnt, i just thought they were on movies.

umm....so some bad news....i was playing basketball during deportes, and i went up for a shot and came down and landed wrong hurt my knee pretty bad. its very swollen and hurts really bad. so if you could keep that in your prayers id really appreciate it. thank heavens for KT tape thought! mom youll probably have to send me more.  

the gift of tounges isreal! last night hna jepson and i were preparing for our lesson and we werent very excited for it. our investigador is very stubborn, doesnt keep her commitments, looks bored out of her mind when we teach and its so hard to love her all the time. but we prepared a very short lesson and prayed before hand that wed be able to love her and that the spirit would be with us. holy smokes. best.lesson.ever. we just sat there and words kept coming and theyd pop into my head when i needed them, espeically while i was bearing my testimony. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong and she actually paid attention and participated! miracle! hna. jepson y yo left ella casa and looked at each other and said, Where did those words come from??. it was such a testimony builder!

okay, well i am almost out of time. but just know i love you guys so much and pray for you every day! (I say 20 prays a day, minimum) mom, youll have to go through and make this email understandable with puncutation and proabaly fix some words. you know spanish right? i have no idea where any of the punctuation on this keyboard is pero es okay!

i know this church is true and being a missionary is the best thing in the world! i love you!

con mucho amor,

hermana tuddenham

p stands for packing & preparation

ugh. the dreaded day of packing.

i have put this off as long as i possibly can.

here are some of my tips for helping this dreaded day go smoother.

okay, who really expects girls to live for 18 months out of only two suitcases weighing no more than 50 pounds each. i mean really?

well. it is possible. but you have to pack smart.

first things first. find out what the climate is like in the place you're going.

Dry Climate = fabric suitcases
Wet Climate = hard shell suitcases

with fabric suitcases, they can be pretty light. allowing you to be able to pack more into them without exceeding the 50 pound limit. unfortunately, all of you, like me, that are heading off to rainy climates, you are going to want suitcases with a hard shell . . . unless you like your clothes and all other items you have packed to be soaking wet and smell like mildew, than the fabric ones should treat you just fine. that just doesn't sound fun to me.

i bought a set of hard shell suitcases at Costco. i am taking the large and medium sizes ones. i also bought a carry on for the plane and have my missionary bag that i will be using daily. i got my carry on at Nordstrom's rack for $30 and i purchased my missionary bag at Desseret book. Luggage is something I wouldn't be super cheap about. You will be living out of it for 18 months and un-packing, re-packing, moving and un-packing again possibly every 6 weeks. it would be terrible to have a zipper break or a tear to rip open. you can get some good luggage that won't put you in the poor house, i just suggest start looking sooner than later so you have time to be picky.

i bought all of my reading material next. it will be listed in your missionary handbook that comes with your call. you can buy everything at Desseret Book. i also bought a scripture case for my English scriptures and my Spanish set of scriptures. because we all know that every time you drop your scriptures 10 pounds gets added to your hubby & if you drop your quad that's 40 pounds! ;) all joking aside, a scripture case is easy to carry & will keep your pages from getting bent, ripped or crinkled (and i have a bunch of handouts and little notes i stick in the pages of my scriptures and they are CONSTANTLY falling out. with the case they stay in place. SO NICE!)

The next thing I bought were my clothes.

I love clothes. way too much. it's a problem and my roommates always tease me about it

so living in 8-10 outfits for 18 months, sounded absolutely terrible and impossible to me.

buy your skirts in a solid color, that way you can wear all your skirts with all your shirts.

I bought 10 skirts and have one dress.

I have super long legs, (i'm almost 6 feet tall) so finding skirts that met the mission requirements was no easy task for me. My favorite places to get skirts were Downeast & Lemon Ice (Downeast's sister store). I also found some at TJ Maxx, Ross, Mika Rose and Dillards, but they did not have as many that worked for my long legs as the other two stores did. If you don't have 'daddy long legs', you'll be able to find skirts at almost any store. Just remember it has to cover your knee sitting and standing and it cannot be too tight.

After I bought my skirts I bought my shirts to go with them. I have a lot of patterned shirts. I also bought different styles of shirts.

After I had my outfits planned out, I knew what colors i had the most of, so i was able to buy my shoes.

I got my rainboots at TJ Maxx for $20 and the rest of my shoes at Dillards. I have two pairs of Josef Sibel (Red and black zig zag) name off shoe brands

pjs
athletic clothes
jeans
hoodies
garments
bathroom items
journals/pens
deet
sunscreen

okay so i've had this saved on my computer and have been updating it as i've began to pack more and find new helpful things.

well.....today my mom and i were just hanging around the house relaxing and we got a call from the church and asked if i could be to the airport in 4 hours to take off to Guatemala! AHH!

so needless to say, this post is incomplete and i was going to upload pictures and make it all fancy, but i don't have time and to be completely honest i just threw everything into my suitcases and am crossing my fingers its under the weight limit.

God speed my friends!

Con mucho amor,
Hermana Tuddenham

(these are some scriptures i have loved while preparing to leave)

Alma 5: 13-15

Alma 5: 19

Alma 5:26

Alma 5: 48-49

Alma 7:15

do trials really bring blessings?

wow. what a week.

i don't know about you, but i am the type of person that loves having a plan. and once that plan is made, i hate changing it.

on tuesday i was able to go up to Logan and spend some extra time with my dear family. i went to the Logan temple with one of my aunts and did an endowment session and then i went to dinner with 21 members of my family. it was amazing. right after i got out of the temple, i turned my cell phone back on and had a text that i had been waiting for, for weeks! my mom texted me to inform me that my flight plans had arrived! woohoo! i was to be at SLC International Airport at 6 pm on the following Tuesday to catch a flight to LA, have a layover, and then at 12:30 am take off for Guatemala to then be picked up at that airport at 6:30 Wednesday morning to go to the Guatemala Missionary Training Center. we had a lot of excitement (and some nervousness) to talk about at dinner.

my plans were set.

i'd be set apart monday night as a sister missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and leave Tuesday night and from then on be Hermana Tuddenham for the next 18 months.

as strange as this sounds, i was mentally preparing myself for the flight. thinking of different situations i might encounter and how i would handle them. thinking of what i'd do on the plane {read my scriptures and write in my journal} thinking of what i'd do during the 2 hour layover {write letters to my family and friends & call home with the calling card}. i was preparing myself for the anxiety of stepping off that plane in an unfamiliar country and not understanding one word of the conversations going on around me or the signs telling me where to go.

i was ready for it. i was ready to be fully immersed in the country, culture & language.

yesterday i got a phone call from my stake president, who had just gotten off the phone with the church missionary department. they are switching me to the Provo MTC.

whoa.

what?

was not expecting that at all.

to most people (and to me . . . now) something like that wouldn't be a big deal. nothing really changed except the fact that i get an extra night to sleep in my own bed (YAY!!!) but i was really upset after i got that news.

i've had my call for about 5 months. i've had that plan of going to the Guatemala MTC (or CCM, as they call it there) for 5 months. My flight was scheduled and everything! i don't know if having your mission call for that long is a good thing or a bad thing.

GOOD: i've had the chance to work and save money for my mission. i've got to spend a lot of time with my family. i haven't had to rush to get everything ready.

BAD: i've had a lot of time to think about leaving and a lot of time to doubt myself and a lot of time for satan to try and get to me with those self doubts (i really really really don't like satan)

i think one of my biggest worries with going to the MTC in Provo, is that there I will be so close to home and i have many friends attending BYU and UVU that will be right next to me. I'm worried that i will be even more homesick here than i will be there.

my first year of college that first semester i was beyond homesick. i've never experienced anything like that before. and it sucked. and i was able to call and talk to my mom everyday (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day). i was able to go home on the weekends. but being a missionary one of the terms is that you only email your family on your p-day (one day a week that is set aside for doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, writing letters and emails, etc.) and you only talk to them on the phone or skype on Christmas and Mother's day.

i was ready to be homesick in an unfamiliar place. I've done that before, and it was hard, but eventually i got over it.

i don't know if i'm ready to be homesick with little reminders of home everywhere. knowing my sister has soccer games in provo. knowing my mom cleans the temple across the street from the MTC.

i was so concerned about all of these different things, when i realized that it all came back to fear. fear of doing something hard. fear of not knowing what it's going to be like.

as i said very first, what a week. it's been hard for me. i've packed up my room. said goodbye to family members. dear friends. been struggling with doubts if i am strong enough to do this. i actually had some people express concern to my mom, worried that i won't be able to do this. to all of you in the same situation as i am, or have been in the past, you know what it's like. its hard to go, even with positive support and my family has been amazing at giving me all the support i need. but satan is very real and this week has been one of the tougher weeks.

now back to my question.

do trials really bring blessings?

yes. sometimes i don't think we see those blessings right away. sometimes we may not see the blessing in this life. but the one thing that we can see with trails, is that they make us stronger.

tonight i was able to attend my stake conference and something that one of the speakers said spoke to me very strongly. i wasn't able to write down the quote word for word, but this is what is written in my notes,

"life is a journey. not a destination. you can't make a plan and expect it to work out how you have planned, that's not how life works. Learn to be flexible and how to adjust your sails when new situations present themselves. if you don't, life will be miserable."

so true.

i was making myself and my family all miserable yesterday because i couldn't let go of my own plan. obviously there is a reason for it. if there wasn't, I'd still have a flight scheduled for Tuesday night.

i'm okay with it now. well, mostly okay. but how grateful am i to have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan better than i? a plan that i know i can put my full trust and confidence in. i know He'll never let me down. i know i'll have disappointments, heartbreaks and more of my own plans fail in life. but i also know that if i am able to humble myself and align my will with His, that I'll never be lead astray and everything that happens will be for the best.

i was also able to find an immense amount of comfort in one of my absolute favorite scriptures.

Joshua 1:9 -- "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

what a comfort.

we do not need to fear.

He is with us A.L.W.A.Y.S.

i know that with Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, I will be able to overcome any trail and obstacle placed in my way.

You can too. You can overcome; addiction, anger, disabilities, disappointment, fear, frustration, grief, heartbreak, illness, same gender attraction, anything else life can possible hand you through the enabling power of the atonement given to us by Jesus Christ.

we are given trials, tests and bad days to test our faith.

will we give in to the adversary? will we, as i told my mom yesterday, "...I'm waving my white flag. I'm done with trials."

or,

will we turn to Heavenly Father and not ask for it to be taken from us, but rather, be given strength to overcome whatever it is that is placed before us.

we can still choose to be happy in our trials. it may not be easy. we may not want to do it. but happiness is our choice and we choose between it and misery daily.

it truly is our choice. it may not come easy. but the glass is either half full . . . or it's half empty.

which do you prefer?

He lives. He loves. I know it.

4 days. :)

the secret to true & lasting happiness . . . my farewell talk

Good morning brothers and sisters,

I have been called to serve in the Guatemala, Guatemala City South Mission. I leave September 17th for the Guatemala MTC and will be speaking spanish.

The road leading up to this was not as I had planned it to be and I think about it quite a bit and find myself questioning timing and why did this happen and why other things didn't happen. Last night my dad said something that really caught my attention. He said, "life may not go how we think it should go, but we need faith that everything will work out how it should. We need to trust in Heavenly Father and in His plan and know that no matter what, He'll never let us down." He went on to say how grateful he is for the Savior and His role and sacrifice that makes the whole plan of Salvation possible.

Joseph Fielding McConkie gives an account of Bruce R. McConkie's last testimony while in his probationary state. He says, "Heaven does not send forth the Spirit to sustain weak doctrines. It is the power of the doctrine that attracts the power of the Spirit. Christ, Elder McConkie declared, died to preserve the truth. 'All of the terms and conditions of the Father’s eternal plan of salvation became operative,' he testified, 'in and through Christ’s atoning sacrifice.' Because He died, we have a plan of salvation! Because He died, our righteous deeds will rise with us in the Resurrection. Because He died, we, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, may lay claim to a fulness of all that the Father has. With great emotion, Elder McConkie spoke of the “three gardens of God—the Garden of Eden, the Garden of Gethsemane, and the Garden of the Empty Tomb.” He taught us that Eden was 'a paradisiacal state,' one in which there could be no death, no procreation, and no probationary experiences. It was from such a state, he explained, that Adam and Eve stepped down to become the 'first mortal flesh on earth.'. 'Thus, Creation is father to the Fall; and by the Fall came mortality and death; and by Christ came immortality and eternal life. If there had been no fall of Adam, by which cometh death, there could have been no atonement of Christ by which cometh life,' he declared. With trembling in his voice, he concluded, 'And now, as pertaining to this perfect atonement, wrought by the shedding of the blood of God—I testify that it took place in Gethsemane and at Golgotha, and as pertaining to Jesus Christ, I testify that he is the Son of the Living God and was crucified for the sins of the world. He is our Lord, our God, and our King. This I know of myself independent of any other person. I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way'."

I love this testimony of the Savior and the plan of Salvation. As I was preparing for this talk, I asked several of my close friends and family members to write me a note on their feelings towards the plan of salvation. It was amazing to read all of these different testimonies. Some spoke of hope, infinite worth, love, peace, eternal families. One of the letters I received was from my cousin who is serving a mission in Kanas, and he wrote about when his little baby sister passed away and how he felt hatred and bitterness and anger and then when he looked at his parents and he saw them in a state of peace and comfort because they knew where she was and he talked about how he needed that peace in his own life and that he needed to know for himself. So he knelt down one night and he began to pray and ask Heavenly Father if it was all true and real and he said that he can testify to me and all of you that it is true. I remember I was at her funeral and I was crying and the pianist started playing, Families Can Be Together Forever, and I remember I was encompassed by the spirit and it confirmed that truth to me. I love all the different stories and examples that were in all the letters, they were all so different, but one thing they all have in common was that each and every one of the letters testifies of Christ and His atoning sacrifice.

I cannot put into words my feelings for the Savior, I've tried, but no words can explain the feelings I have when I think about Christ and His atonement. I love my Savior. I know He lives. He lives. There is no denying it. The atonement is my favorite subject to study. It is so difficult for me to comprehend. But the feelings I have when I am reading  about Christ suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and upon The Cross, are undeniably the Holy Spirit testifying of that those moments really took place. Who would do that? Who would be judged at an imperfect trial, so that I, a sinner, could have a second chance and a third chance and as many chances as I need? What kind of love must that be. I can testify to you, that Christ was killed upon the cross,  because He loves us. I loved the hymn we sang in preparation for the sacrament, it was hymn #188 and verse one really stood out to me it goes like this,

"When in the wondrous realms above

Our Savior had been called upon

To save our world of sin by love,

He said, “Thy will, O Lord, be done.”
Thy Will, O Lord, Be Done"

He didn't go through all He did because He wanted glory, He didn't do it because He was commanded. He volunteered to suffer for our sins and give us a way to return to our true home, because He loves us.

I would like to add the testimony of Tad R. Callister. Brother Callister says, "One does not speak lightly of the Atonement or casually express him appreciation. It is the most sacred and sublime event in eternity. It deserves our most intense thoughts, our most profound feelings, and our noblest deeds. One speaks of it in reverential tones; one contemplates it in awe; one learns of it in solemnity. This event stands alone, now and throughout eternity. As Ammon recounted his success with the Lamanites, he gloried in The Lord, and then, in humble recognition of his inability to articulate it all, he declared, 'I cannot say the smallest part which I feel' (Alma 26:16). In like manner, the passions of my own heart extend far beyond my venal reservoirs. I feel as did Elder Marion G. Romney, who said, 'Contemplation of the Atonement . . . Moves me to most intense gratitude and appreciation if which my soul is capable.' Even then I am left sorely wanting. I have been trained by career to be a skeptic; it is inherent in the legal experience. But when it comes to the Savior, I am like a little child. I believe every written and spoken word of which he is the author. I accept every miracle "as is." I believe in every aspect of his divinity and rejoice in every drop of his mercy. I thank him again and again for his atoning sacrifice, but it is never enough--nor will it ever be. His redeeming act shall be remembered and savored "forever and ever" (D&C 133:52). I am overwhelmed, even humbled and 'amazed at the love Jesus offers me.' I feel as did Nephi, who joyfully confessed, 'my heart doth magnify his holy name" (2 Nephi 25:13). . . . I can truthfully testify that he lives. I now add my testimony to the many who have preceded me that his sacrifice was indeed an infinite and eternal Atonement."

As I've been working on my spanish, Sister Zelaya has been helping me learn to bear my testimony in spanish and I have it memorized and even though I don't understand much of what I'm saying. I can feel that it is truth. There is however a phrase that I do understand and is the most important phrase that I will ever say and that is, "yo se que JesuChristo vive." And that means, I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know it with my whole heart and I am excited to be able to tell the people of Guatemala that He truly lives and loves each and everyone of us and it is though Him that families can be together forever and death is not the end. As President Ucthdorf said, "there are no endings. Only everlasting beginnings." And I know that those everlasting beginnings were only made possible through our Savior and the Plan of Salvation. I know it is truly the Plan of Happiness and it is the only way we can be truly happy in this life. I love our Savior. I love this gospel. I know it is true with my whole heart.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.