coming home . . .

well, i'm home.

coming home early from a mission is very hard to do. for several reasons. of course all the whisperings around town and strange looks you get as people realize you're not supposed to be here, those are tough. but the hardest thing has been leaving the wonderful investigators I had back in guatemala and knowing that I will probably never see them again in this life.

so the first or second week of my mission i was playing basketball and went up for a shot and came down and landed on my knee wrong. it killed. but i just tried to ignore it and pretend that i was fine. after that i was super careful about what'd i'd do for deportes and on the days it would hurt i'd go out to the gym and just ride a bike. but for the most of the time it wouldn't be too bad because at that point i was still in the CCM and we'd be sitting most of the day, so not too much walking and for the most part they were fine.

my first day in the field, however, i could feel a huge difference and in the back of my head i think i always knew something was wrong with them, but i just ignored it and kept working.

on the end of that first week, one day we were out and we had been working all day long and it was probably 6 or 7 and at that point every step i took would send the sharpest pain shooting through my whole knee. it literally felt like someone was taking a knife to my knee each time i took a step. but i just kept telling myself, 'you knew coming out here that your knees were going to hurt. just keep going. it'll be okay.'

week 2 in the field the pain was still there. it wasn't getting any better. at the end of the day, we'd be sitting in our desks doing planning and they would just be throbbing. by the end of that week, my companion had even noticed that when we were out walking i was in pain. so one day after we got done praying for studies she noticed a bruise and asked if my knees were okay and so i told her the history of my knees. i've had four surgeries on my left knee and don't have a lateral meniscus and i've had one on my right knee and had the meniscus repaired, i've had 3 lateral releases and each time more and more cartilage gets torn. so that day we walked to a part of our area that is far away from our apartment and that's when the pain started getting really really bad. not only was my left knee aching, but now my right knee was starting to be very painful as well. at this point the pain was not only in my knees, but it was starting to move down into my shins and up into my thighs and there was so much pressure in my legs. so after almost not being able to walk home that night we called the mission nurse to see if there was anything that we could do to help. she said continue taking ibuprofen and on P-day buy frozen peas and use them to help with the swelling at the end of the day.

week 3 was so hard. they would hurt in the morning even before we went out and started working. they were so swollen. my companion would tease me and call me old because walking was so painful i guess i walked like an old person. the pressure in my legs was so painful. i'd be laying in my bed at night and the pressure in my legs made it nearly impossible to even fall asleep. the nurse came to our area to do flu shots on wednesday and looked at my knees. she touched my left knee and i just started to cry from the pain. so she had me go email my mom and ask her to contact my doctor and ask him if there was anything that we could do. so my mom emailed the nurse and told her what the doctor said and the nurse called me and read me the email and said she'd give the information to presidente caffaro and he would send the information to the mission department in salt lake and they are the ones that decide about whether a missionary needs to be sent home for medical reasons. the problem we were facing is presidente caffaro was in panama at a mission president conference so he wouldn't be able to do anything about it until saturday when he got back. so for the rest of the week hermana sanchez and i would do our studies in the morning, go eat lunch at hermana silvia's house and then we go out contacting and to as many lessons as i'd be able to go to before i couldn't walk with the pain. so the last half of week 3 consisted of a lot of going out and working and then going back to the apartment to ice and rest and then going back out and then icing. not being able to be out working all the time is so hard as a missionary. you have one purpose as a missionary and that is to invite others to come unto Christ. and not being able to do that is so hard, i just felt like i was being a terrible missionary and like i was wasting the Lord's time. saturday morning i got a call from presidente caffaro to check in and see how i was doing. i told him about the pain and how the week had gone and also about feeling like a terrible missionary. he assured me that that was not the case and that those feelings were coming from satan. he read me a scripture, it was D&C 124:49 and brought me so much comfort. he said he had submitted the report and that we'd most likely hear from salt lake on monday.

so monday rolls around and it's p-day. it was a rough day, because that's our only day to get everything we need and the grocery store isn't exactly right around the corner. we went to email our families and the church that has the computers isn't even in our area, so my knees were already hurting before we were even half way there and then my companion needed to get some money from her family at the other end of our area. so we rode the transmetro to one of the mercados and we were at the bank and presidente caffaro called and said that salt lake had just emailed him and said to send me home. when he said that, tears started to come right away and then he thanked me for my service and said that they would miss me and that hermana caffaro would call me later and that the AP's would call me with my flight plans.

later that night at 8:45 we were at an investigators house eating dinner and the phone started to ring. it was hermana caffaro and she called to see how i was doing and thanked me as well. i love the caffaro's so much. there was an immediate connection between me and hermana caffaro, she is the nicest person and helped me so much with the adjustment to being a missionary in the field.

after that phone call the phone rang again almost seconds after i hung up with hermana caffaro and it was the secretaries to the president and they said that a taxi would be outside of my apartment at 9:15 to take us to vista hermosa where we'd be spending the night and my flight would take off the next morning at 8:30 and that the elders would be at my apartment at 5:45 to pick me up and take me to the airport.

after a very rushed goodbye to the people i love with my whole heart and some hectic packing of just throwing everything in sight into which ever bag it fit in we were on our way to vista hermosa.

that night consisted of re-packing and absolutely no sleep. all night long i listened to airplanes taking off and landing. my heart was absolutely racing all night long. i couldn't believe it was actually happening.

the day started off at a cheery 5am. my companion woke up with me and we both sat there as i got ready and we tried hard not to think that these were our last few moments together. we spent the morning laughing, like we usually were for the almost 4 weeks we were together.

45 minutes later our cell phone started to ring and the elders said they were outside. mi compa ran outside to open the gate and let them in. my suitcases were gone in a flash and hermana sanchez and i walked outside behind them and had a very brief tearful goodbye before the elders had to take me to the airport.

after waiting in the luggage line for two hours, the elders walked me to the security gate, i turned and shook their hands and thanked them for their help and then i was on my own. this was really happening.

after navigating three airports and going into shock after feeling how cold utah is, i was back with my family.

that night as i was released, i cried more tears than i did than on all the days combined that i said goodbye to loved ones and left to go to guatemala. i sat in my stake president's office and sobbed like a baby. i was actually crying so hard president pullan said i didn't have to take off my nametag right than, that i could wait until later that night when i felt ready.

so there's my story. i may have cried as i typed this out and it may have taken me two weeks to actually finish this. but whatever is my next step in life is {i honestly have no clue about what that step may be} i will always be grateful to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us -- a better plan than we have for ourselves and i am very grateful to know with my whole heart that Heavenly Father does indeed hear and answer our prayers in the way He sees best fit for us. He loves us. I know it.