do trials really bring blessings?

wow. what a week.

i don't know about you, but i am the type of person that loves having a plan. and once that plan is made, i hate changing it.

on tuesday i was able to go up to Logan and spend some extra time with my dear family. i went to the Logan temple with one of my aunts and did an endowment session and then i went to dinner with 21 members of my family. it was amazing. right after i got out of the temple, i turned my cell phone back on and had a text that i had been waiting for, for weeks! my mom texted me to inform me that my flight plans had arrived! woohoo! i was to be at SLC International Airport at 6 pm on the following Tuesday to catch a flight to LA, have a layover, and then at 12:30 am take off for Guatemala to then be picked up at that airport at 6:30 Wednesday morning to go to the Guatemala Missionary Training Center. we had a lot of excitement (and some nervousness) to talk about at dinner.

my plans were set.

i'd be set apart monday night as a sister missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and leave Tuesday night and from then on be Hermana Tuddenham for the next 18 months.

as strange as this sounds, i was mentally preparing myself for the flight. thinking of different situations i might encounter and how i would handle them. thinking of what i'd do on the plane {read my scriptures and write in my journal} thinking of what i'd do during the 2 hour layover {write letters to my family and friends & call home with the calling card}. i was preparing myself for the anxiety of stepping off that plane in an unfamiliar country and not understanding one word of the conversations going on around me or the signs telling me where to go.

i was ready for it. i was ready to be fully immersed in the country, culture & language.

yesterday i got a phone call from my stake president, who had just gotten off the phone with the church missionary department. they are switching me to the Provo MTC.

whoa.

what?

was not expecting that at all.

to most people (and to me . . . now) something like that wouldn't be a big deal. nothing really changed except the fact that i get an extra night to sleep in my own bed (YAY!!!) but i was really upset after i got that news.

i've had my call for about 5 months. i've had that plan of going to the Guatemala MTC (or CCM, as they call it there) for 5 months. My flight was scheduled and everything! i don't know if having your mission call for that long is a good thing or a bad thing.

GOOD: i've had the chance to work and save money for my mission. i've got to spend a lot of time with my family. i haven't had to rush to get everything ready.

BAD: i've had a lot of time to think about leaving and a lot of time to doubt myself and a lot of time for satan to try and get to me with those self doubts (i really really really don't like satan)

i think one of my biggest worries with going to the MTC in Provo, is that there I will be so close to home and i have many friends attending BYU and UVU that will be right next to me. I'm worried that i will be even more homesick here than i will be there.

my first year of college that first semester i was beyond homesick. i've never experienced anything like that before. and it sucked. and i was able to call and talk to my mom everyday (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day). i was able to go home on the weekends. but being a missionary one of the terms is that you only email your family on your p-day (one day a week that is set aside for doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, writing letters and emails, etc.) and you only talk to them on the phone or skype on Christmas and Mother's day.

i was ready to be homesick in an unfamiliar place. I've done that before, and it was hard, but eventually i got over it.

i don't know if i'm ready to be homesick with little reminders of home everywhere. knowing my sister has soccer games in provo. knowing my mom cleans the temple across the street from the MTC.

i was so concerned about all of these different things, when i realized that it all came back to fear. fear of doing something hard. fear of not knowing what it's going to be like.

as i said very first, what a week. it's been hard for me. i've packed up my room. said goodbye to family members. dear friends. been struggling with doubts if i am strong enough to do this. i actually had some people express concern to my mom, worried that i won't be able to do this. to all of you in the same situation as i am, or have been in the past, you know what it's like. its hard to go, even with positive support and my family has been amazing at giving me all the support i need. but satan is very real and this week has been one of the tougher weeks.

now back to my question.

do trials really bring blessings?

yes. sometimes i don't think we see those blessings right away. sometimes we may not see the blessing in this life. but the one thing that we can see with trails, is that they make us stronger.

tonight i was able to attend my stake conference and something that one of the speakers said spoke to me very strongly. i wasn't able to write down the quote word for word, but this is what is written in my notes,

"life is a journey. not a destination. you can't make a plan and expect it to work out how you have planned, that's not how life works. Learn to be flexible and how to adjust your sails when new situations present themselves. if you don't, life will be miserable."

so true.

i was making myself and my family all miserable yesterday because i couldn't let go of my own plan. obviously there is a reason for it. if there wasn't, I'd still have a flight scheduled for Tuesday night.

i'm okay with it now. well, mostly okay. but how grateful am i to have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan better than i? a plan that i know i can put my full trust and confidence in. i know He'll never let me down. i know i'll have disappointments, heartbreaks and more of my own plans fail in life. but i also know that if i am able to humble myself and align my will with His, that I'll never be lead astray and everything that happens will be for the best.

i was also able to find an immense amount of comfort in one of my absolute favorite scriptures.

Joshua 1:9 -- "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

what a comfort.

we do not need to fear.

He is with us A.L.W.A.Y.S.

i know that with Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, I will be able to overcome any trail and obstacle placed in my way.

You can too. You can overcome; addiction, anger, disabilities, disappointment, fear, frustration, grief, heartbreak, illness, same gender attraction, anything else life can possible hand you through the enabling power of the atonement given to us by Jesus Christ.

we are given trials, tests and bad days to test our faith.

will we give in to the adversary? will we, as i told my mom yesterday, "...I'm waving my white flag. I'm done with trials."

or,

will we turn to Heavenly Father and not ask for it to be taken from us, but rather, be given strength to overcome whatever it is that is placed before us.

we can still choose to be happy in our trials. it may not be easy. we may not want to do it. but happiness is our choice and we choose between it and misery daily.

it truly is our choice. it may not come easy. but the glass is either half full . . . or it's half empty.

which do you prefer?

He lives. He loves. I know it.

4 days. :)