week 2: Being a missionary is the best thing in the world!

Hola familia!

So this week has been so good, but so so dificil. I have been beyond sick. I think I cursed myself with last weeks email. When ever I eat my stomach goes into knots and at first the nurse thought it was because of acid, so kind of like what happened to grandma norma after she got back from Hawaii, but it never got any better. I've missed some classes this week because I've been in so much pain. I haven't cried here until then. I was in class one night and it just hit me how bad my stomach hurt and my teacher, Hermana Chavez noticed I was huntched over and asked if I was okay. I couldn't even reply because I was in so much pain, I just had tears running down my face and so she told my comp to take me upstairs. I got to my room and just collapsed on my bed. Hermana Cox, the Presidents wife, came up to check on me and so did Hermana Burbridge and when Hna. Cox saw me she said, "I'm going to get your zone leader. You need a blessing." So they set up this little room and there were 8 elders in there waiting for me and I walked in and they gave me a blessing and it was their first time ever doing it and they did such a good job, the blessing was beautiful and the spirit was so strong. Now I wish that I could say I was instantly healed and all was well. But I wasn't. I had to go to the doctor and he thinks I might have a bacteria growing in my stomach or that my pancreas isn't producing enough lipase. wonderful right? so today we went to the hosptial and got some blood drawn so they can run tests and figure out what the heck is going on. I'm crossing my fingers that they figure it out soon. I AM STARVING!! The only thing I've eaten for the past week is carrots, peas and potatos-rabbit food. I never want to eat another carrot in my life. ever. but that's one thing that I love so much about the CCM and it being so small, is how personal it is here. The chef knows who I am, what times I eat and he makes me a special meal of rabbit food and brings it out to me in the cafeteria himself. It's so sweet. And all of the elders who helped with the blessing or who know I've been sick always ask how I'm feeling. We really are like one big family here and I love it so much. One day after eating rabbit food the only thing that sounded good was strawberry ice cream, so the nurse told me to eat it, we always get to eat ice cream but only at lunch, and Presidente Cox came up to me and said, "Sister, if that doesn't make you sick, you can have ALL the ice cream you want!" Score! right?...but I did get sick. However, last night I was able to eat my first meal in a week and it was wonderful! The power of the priesthood and the power of fasting is real. It really is God's power on the earth today. I haven't been 100 percent better, but I have been able to go to all my classes and have minimal pain. I am so grateful for this gospel. It really is the only way to be truly happy in this life.

So as we were teaching our investigadors this week, we asked Sabrina to commit to bapstism and we've had 6 lessons with her and so when we asked her she paused and then looked at us and said, in spanish of course, "I don't know that this is true." It just about crushed my heart. Like, how can you be feeling this spirit and have your heart be so warm and full and not know of the truth of this gospel? That was a rough night for me and Hermana Jepson. The next day we met our second investigador and his name if Frederman and we had the first lesson and got to get to know him and his concerns and the spirit was so strong in that lesson, I've never felt it so strongly in a lesson before. It was amazing and just made me so happy! I know we can help him find happiness, because, he is very sad and has alot of problems. But I know that as we continue to teach him that he'll open us to us more and the spirit will be able to soften his heart.

So our other nortes (gringos) are leaving!! I am so sad! So there will be only 4 white sisters in the CCM and the other two hermanas aren't even in our branch, so we never see them. And our latino roomies are leaving and I am SO sad!! Hermana Garcia and Hermana Flores are my favorite! We spend so much time laughing together. They are such sweethearts and will be amazing missionaries. Hermana Flores is very homesick and misses her family so much and one night we were all done saying prayers except her and I have the bottom bunk and so does she and I heard her crying while saying her prayers, so I got out of bed and knelt down by her and gave her a big hug for a few minutes and told her that I loved her in spanish and then got back into bed. I love the sisters I serve with SO much! I will miss them terribly and probably won't see them again in this life, but in heaven it is going to be a fabulous reunion! So now Hna. Jepson and I will be the only ones that speak english in our district but I guess it's okay because now I really will be forced to learn the language if I ever want to talk to someone besides me comp at meals. 

Tomorrow we are getting a tour of the city, going to a market, I am so excited! and we are eating at Wendy's for lunch! Yay for american food! I hope my stomach feels good enough to eat. 

So just FYI, it takes 6 weeks for packages to get here and 2 weeks for letters. I do want an ipod mom, I'm having music withdrawls. I want english and spanish hymns and CHRISTMAS music! I'm SO excited for christmas!! But don't send it just yet, because some mission presidents let us listen to disney music and if mine does, I want Frozen, Tangled, Hercules and some others. So I'll let you know next month what Presidente Caffaro says. 

Bubba! How was your birthday?? I sounds like you had an awesome party! Sad to have missed it, but I thought about you all day! And thank you so much for the journal. I use it every single day! and every time I write in it i think about you!

One other thing I was thinking about this week, is how blessed we are to be Americans and to speak the same language as the prophets. I don't think any of us realize how fortunate we are. The CCM is in the 'rich' part of the country and the home that is right outside of my window I would most definitley not classify as 'rich'. Very poor would be more like it. Seeing the poverty here is very hard and when I think about American wealth its simply disgusting. Hermana Garcia got a letter from her family and in it was ten dollars and I swear she acted like she was the richest person in the world. It was better than christmas for her. I was in shock. And to be honest felt completely sick inside knowing that I would make that amount of money in one hour at work. BE GRATEFUL TO BE AMERICANS

Oh speaking of rich Americans, mom I need a crappy looking watch like ASAP. Even though I only spent $1.28 on it, it still looks expensive and it could put me in some serious danger. So whenever I leave the CCM I never wear my watch or necklace. So no jewlery for me and I might just send it all home. 

Singing called to serve it my absolute favorite thing to do. There's just something different about singing that song and wearing your missionary name tag. It is still my very favorite item I own.

I am so grateful for this opportunity and I know that this church is true! Going on a mission has been the best thing of my life. Don't get me wrong sometimes it's hard and when your investigador tells you that they don't think it's true you just sit there and ask yourself 'why am I here? I don't even HAVE to be here." but then you have a spiritual moment and remember your purpose. Representing Jesus Christ is amazing and I couldn't imagine doing anything else with my life right now. Mom, will you print out a talk by Elder Holland for me and send it to me? I can't print out any emails in the CCM but I want this talk! Its so amazing, everyone should read it! He gave it in the Chile MTC on October 28, 2000 and its about the miracle of a mission. I don't remember the exact title, but its something like that. Read it, it will change your life! 

I love you guys so much! Thanks for your prayers! They really do make such a big difference! 

Love, Hermana Tuddenham

week 1: I LOVE being a missionary!

hola mi familia!

okay first of all, how crazy was last tuesday? i think i should get a prize for worlds fastest packing sister missionary. i did forget alot of things, but i will be able to live without some of them. can you believe its already been a week? i feel like ive been here for only a few dias. also, i apologize for the typing.The space bar is broken and the keyboard is different. Also, my ingles is TERRIBLE! Its hard to switch from writing in spanish all day to then typing nothing but ingles.

there is absolutely nothing better than being a missionary. en serio. its the very best!! its also SO dificil! some days you just get so discouraged and ask yourself what the heck youre doing out here. but then Espiritu Santo testifies to you your purpose and you feel so much better! Guatemala is muy bonita! Serio, I dont even miss utah becuase it is so gorgeous here. its also FREEZING in the mornings. Totally was not expecting that. I stepped off the plane and froze the whole way to the CCM (say-say-em-aye). So the plane ride was awesome, i made such good friends with two of the elders and now we are in the same district. its so fun. we got on the bus to come and we had to sit 3 to a seat and being the only hermana out of 20 elders, i had no choice but to sit with the elders. it was very squishy and i never want to be so close to an elder again! the driving here es muy mal! serio. its so bad. the lines mean nothing and they think of the speed limit as a suggestion. so grateful i dont have to drive!

I do remember the walkers, Elder Tims, Melissas brother es en mi districto. he is very nice and very funny. the thing about there only being two hnas in a district you have to reach into your inner 12 year old boy and laugh about fart and constipation jokes all day. es wonderful....not really, but we lovethem any ways.

Dad, do you remember who Gary Ellis is? His son is oneof the elders i became friends with and is in my district, his dad served in hong kong the same time you did.

 and HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUBBA!!! I went to the market today and found something for you, pero i cant send it to you for seis semanas. But i will try and get it to you as soon as i can!

any ways i sat by this guatemalan and his daughter on the plane from LAX to GUA. they were so nice and told me all about guatemala. the temple is right across from the CCM and both are in my mission boundaries, so i am already here! There are 7 norte (americans) hermanas in el CCM. thats it. Hna. Jepson (my comp from vegas) and I are the only hermanas in our district and there is only 5 of us in our rama (branch). Hna. Jepson and i are the only hnas who dont speak very good espanol and so thats kind of lonely sometimes, especially at meals when everyone is rambling off in spanish. but its all good! the latinas are very patient with us and the two we room with are so sweet! we have been getting better at communicating and the past few nights, we just laugh the whole hour we get ready for bed. its the best! one of them told me i look like taylor swift and sound like her when i sing...i laughed so hard! i am also the tallest girl in the CCM, out of every sister that is here, the missionaries, the teachers and the workers. its just great. and i thought i was tall en estadios unidos, pero im a freaking giant down here. its pretty cool. i get lots of strange looks.

last night it rained. it rains every day. i will pour for an hour and then stop for three and then rain for 30 minutes and stop. it smells devine. serio. its the best! the food is also muy bueno. i like it better than americano food for the most part. mi poor companera has been so sick becuase of the comida...her tummy does not like it very much. the elders are also having some issues. i havebeen blessed to not be sick. i havent even cried since i went through security. this seriously is the best thing in the world! we are already teaching an investigador and the lessons are very hard to do porque mi espanol es muy mal, pero el espiritu santo es the real teacher. its still hard to teach. and its so frustrating porque we already love this investigador and we want her to be happy and thereis this huge language barrier! one night our lesson completely bombed. hna. jepson and i were so upset with ourselves. it was the worst day ive had here. you get back to the clase and sit there and ask yourself why youre even here, the péople cant understand you and you arent helping them and you just get so down on yourself. but then hna. jepson needed to go to thebathroom and so of course i had to go with her and i was standing there and i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and guess what? i looked like a missionary!! and my whole heart just filled with warmth. I saw my nametag and Jesuchrito underneath it and knew that this is where i am supposed to be. i LOVE my nametag. taking it off is the hardest thing for me, ive even fallen asleep with it still on my shirt. i never want to take it off!

i however, do not love cold showers, but i am learning to enjoy them...i think ive had 2 warmish showers and the rest ice cold. BE GRATEFUL for warm showers.

we went to the temple today and that was so amazing. i've never felt so much peace in the temple before. its very small, but so beautiful and i just love the people! i also saw my very first real nun today. who knew they actually exsited...i didnt, i just thought they were on movies.

umm....so some bad news....i was playing basketball during deportes, and i went up for a shot and came down and landed wrong hurt my knee pretty bad. its very swollen and hurts really bad. so if you could keep that in your prayers id really appreciate it. thank heavens for KT tape thought! mom youll probably have to send me more.  

the gift of tounges isreal! last night hna jepson and i were preparing for our lesson and we werent very excited for it. our investigador is very stubborn, doesnt keep her commitments, looks bored out of her mind when we teach and its so hard to love her all the time. but we prepared a very short lesson and prayed before hand that wed be able to love her and that the spirit would be with us. holy smokes. best.lesson.ever. we just sat there and words kept coming and theyd pop into my head when i needed them, espeically while i was bearing my testimony. it was amazing and the spirit was so strong and she actually paid attention and participated! miracle! hna. jepson y yo left ella casa and looked at each other and said, Where did those words come from??. it was such a testimony builder!

okay, well i am almost out of time. but just know i love you guys so much and pray for you every day! (I say 20 prays a day, minimum) mom, youll have to go through and make this email understandable with puncutation and proabaly fix some words. you know spanish right? i have no idea where any of the punctuation on this keyboard is pero es okay!

i know this church is true and being a missionary is the best thing in the world! i love you!

con mucho amor,

hermana tuddenham

p stands for packing & preparation

ugh. the dreaded day of packing.

i have put this off as long as i possibly can.

here are some of my tips for helping this dreaded day go smoother.

okay, who really expects girls to live for 18 months out of only two suitcases weighing no more than 50 pounds each. i mean really?

well. it is possible. but you have to pack smart.

first things first. find out what the climate is like in the place you're going.

Dry Climate = fabric suitcases
Wet Climate = hard shell suitcases

with fabric suitcases, they can be pretty light. allowing you to be able to pack more into them without exceeding the 50 pound limit. unfortunately, all of you, like me, that are heading off to rainy climates, you are going to want suitcases with a hard shell . . . unless you like your clothes and all other items you have packed to be soaking wet and smell like mildew, than the fabric ones should treat you just fine. that just doesn't sound fun to me.

i bought a set of hard shell suitcases at Costco. i am taking the large and medium sizes ones. i also bought a carry on for the plane and have my missionary bag that i will be using daily. i got my carry on at Nordstrom's rack for $30 and i purchased my missionary bag at Desseret book. Luggage is something I wouldn't be super cheap about. You will be living out of it for 18 months and un-packing, re-packing, moving and un-packing again possibly every 6 weeks. it would be terrible to have a zipper break or a tear to rip open. you can get some good luggage that won't put you in the poor house, i just suggest start looking sooner than later so you have time to be picky.

i bought all of my reading material next. it will be listed in your missionary handbook that comes with your call. you can buy everything at Desseret Book. i also bought a scripture case for my English scriptures and my Spanish set of scriptures. because we all know that every time you drop your scriptures 10 pounds gets added to your hubby & if you drop your quad that's 40 pounds! ;) all joking aside, a scripture case is easy to carry & will keep your pages from getting bent, ripped or crinkled (and i have a bunch of handouts and little notes i stick in the pages of my scriptures and they are CONSTANTLY falling out. with the case they stay in place. SO NICE!)

The next thing I bought were my clothes.

I love clothes. way too much. it's a problem and my roommates always tease me about it

so living in 8-10 outfits for 18 months, sounded absolutely terrible and impossible to me.

buy your skirts in a solid color, that way you can wear all your skirts with all your shirts.

I bought 10 skirts and have one dress.

I have super long legs, (i'm almost 6 feet tall) so finding skirts that met the mission requirements was no easy task for me. My favorite places to get skirts were Downeast & Lemon Ice (Downeast's sister store). I also found some at TJ Maxx, Ross, Mika Rose and Dillards, but they did not have as many that worked for my long legs as the other two stores did. If you don't have 'daddy long legs', you'll be able to find skirts at almost any store. Just remember it has to cover your knee sitting and standing and it cannot be too tight.

After I bought my skirts I bought my shirts to go with them. I have a lot of patterned shirts. I also bought different styles of shirts.

After I had my outfits planned out, I knew what colors i had the most of, so i was able to buy my shoes.

I got my rainboots at TJ Maxx for $20 and the rest of my shoes at Dillards. I have two pairs of Josef Sibel (Red and black zig zag) name off shoe brands

pjs
athletic clothes
jeans
hoodies
garments
bathroom items
journals/pens
deet
sunscreen

okay so i've had this saved on my computer and have been updating it as i've began to pack more and find new helpful things.

well.....today my mom and i were just hanging around the house relaxing and we got a call from the church and asked if i could be to the airport in 4 hours to take off to Guatemala! AHH!

so needless to say, this post is incomplete and i was going to upload pictures and make it all fancy, but i don't have time and to be completely honest i just threw everything into my suitcases and am crossing my fingers its under the weight limit.

God speed my friends!

Con mucho amor,
Hermana Tuddenham

(these are some scriptures i have loved while preparing to leave)

Alma 5: 13-15

Alma 5: 19

Alma 5:26

Alma 5: 48-49

Alma 7:15

do trials really bring blessings?

wow. what a week.

i don't know about you, but i am the type of person that loves having a plan. and once that plan is made, i hate changing it.

on tuesday i was able to go up to Logan and spend some extra time with my dear family. i went to the Logan temple with one of my aunts and did an endowment session and then i went to dinner with 21 members of my family. it was amazing. right after i got out of the temple, i turned my cell phone back on and had a text that i had been waiting for, for weeks! my mom texted me to inform me that my flight plans had arrived! woohoo! i was to be at SLC International Airport at 6 pm on the following Tuesday to catch a flight to LA, have a layover, and then at 12:30 am take off for Guatemala to then be picked up at that airport at 6:30 Wednesday morning to go to the Guatemala Missionary Training Center. we had a lot of excitement (and some nervousness) to talk about at dinner.

my plans were set.

i'd be set apart monday night as a sister missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and leave Tuesday night and from then on be Hermana Tuddenham for the next 18 months.

as strange as this sounds, i was mentally preparing myself for the flight. thinking of different situations i might encounter and how i would handle them. thinking of what i'd do on the plane {read my scriptures and write in my journal} thinking of what i'd do during the 2 hour layover {write letters to my family and friends & call home with the calling card}. i was preparing myself for the anxiety of stepping off that plane in an unfamiliar country and not understanding one word of the conversations going on around me or the signs telling me where to go.

i was ready for it. i was ready to be fully immersed in the country, culture & language.

yesterday i got a phone call from my stake president, who had just gotten off the phone with the church missionary department. they are switching me to the Provo MTC.

whoa.

what?

was not expecting that at all.

to most people (and to me . . . now) something like that wouldn't be a big deal. nothing really changed except the fact that i get an extra night to sleep in my own bed (YAY!!!) but i was really upset after i got that news.

i've had my call for about 5 months. i've had that plan of going to the Guatemala MTC (or CCM, as they call it there) for 5 months. My flight was scheduled and everything! i don't know if having your mission call for that long is a good thing or a bad thing.

GOOD: i've had the chance to work and save money for my mission. i've got to spend a lot of time with my family. i haven't had to rush to get everything ready.

BAD: i've had a lot of time to think about leaving and a lot of time to doubt myself and a lot of time for satan to try and get to me with those self doubts (i really really really don't like satan)

i think one of my biggest worries with going to the MTC in Provo, is that there I will be so close to home and i have many friends attending BYU and UVU that will be right next to me. I'm worried that i will be even more homesick here than i will be there.

my first year of college that first semester i was beyond homesick. i've never experienced anything like that before. and it sucked. and i was able to call and talk to my mom everyday (sometimes 3 or 4 times a day). i was able to go home on the weekends. but being a missionary one of the terms is that you only email your family on your p-day (one day a week that is set aside for doing laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, writing letters and emails, etc.) and you only talk to them on the phone or skype on Christmas and Mother's day.

i was ready to be homesick in an unfamiliar place. I've done that before, and it was hard, but eventually i got over it.

i don't know if i'm ready to be homesick with little reminders of home everywhere. knowing my sister has soccer games in provo. knowing my mom cleans the temple across the street from the MTC.

i was so concerned about all of these different things, when i realized that it all came back to fear. fear of doing something hard. fear of not knowing what it's going to be like.

as i said very first, what a week. it's been hard for me. i've packed up my room. said goodbye to family members. dear friends. been struggling with doubts if i am strong enough to do this. i actually had some people express concern to my mom, worried that i won't be able to do this. to all of you in the same situation as i am, or have been in the past, you know what it's like. its hard to go, even with positive support and my family has been amazing at giving me all the support i need. but satan is very real and this week has been one of the tougher weeks.

now back to my question.

do trials really bring blessings?

yes. sometimes i don't think we see those blessings right away. sometimes we may not see the blessing in this life. but the one thing that we can see with trails, is that they make us stronger.

tonight i was able to attend my stake conference and something that one of the speakers said spoke to me very strongly. i wasn't able to write down the quote word for word, but this is what is written in my notes,

"life is a journey. not a destination. you can't make a plan and expect it to work out how you have planned, that's not how life works. Learn to be flexible and how to adjust your sails when new situations present themselves. if you don't, life will be miserable."

so true.

i was making myself and my family all miserable yesterday because i couldn't let go of my own plan. obviously there is a reason for it. if there wasn't, I'd still have a flight scheduled for Tuesday night.

i'm okay with it now. well, mostly okay. but how grateful am i to have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan better than i? a plan that i know i can put my full trust and confidence in. i know He'll never let me down. i know i'll have disappointments, heartbreaks and more of my own plans fail in life. but i also know that if i am able to humble myself and align my will with His, that I'll never be lead astray and everything that happens will be for the best.

i was also able to find an immense amount of comfort in one of my absolute favorite scriptures.

Joshua 1:9 -- "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

what a comfort.

we do not need to fear.

He is with us A.L.W.A.Y.S.

i know that with Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, I will be able to overcome any trail and obstacle placed in my way.

You can too. You can overcome; addiction, anger, disabilities, disappointment, fear, frustration, grief, heartbreak, illness, same gender attraction, anything else life can possible hand you through the enabling power of the atonement given to us by Jesus Christ.

we are given trials, tests and bad days to test our faith.

will we give in to the adversary? will we, as i told my mom yesterday, "...I'm waving my white flag. I'm done with trials."

or,

will we turn to Heavenly Father and not ask for it to be taken from us, but rather, be given strength to overcome whatever it is that is placed before us.

we can still choose to be happy in our trials. it may not be easy. we may not want to do it. but happiness is our choice and we choose between it and misery daily.

it truly is our choice. it may not come easy. but the glass is either half full . . . or it's half empty.

which do you prefer?

He lives. He loves. I know it.

4 days. :)

the secret to true & lasting happiness . . . my farewell talk

Good morning brothers and sisters,

I have been called to serve in the Guatemala, Guatemala City South Mission. I leave September 17th for the Guatemala MTC and will be speaking spanish.

The road leading up to this was not as I had planned it to be and I think about it quite a bit and find myself questioning timing and why did this happen and why other things didn't happen. Last night my dad said something that really caught my attention. He said, "life may not go how we think it should go, but we need faith that everything will work out how it should. We need to trust in Heavenly Father and in His plan and know that no matter what, He'll never let us down." He went on to say how grateful he is for the Savior and His role and sacrifice that makes the whole plan of Salvation possible.

Joseph Fielding McConkie gives an account of Bruce R. McConkie's last testimony while in his probationary state. He says, "Heaven does not send forth the Spirit to sustain weak doctrines. It is the power of the doctrine that attracts the power of the Spirit. Christ, Elder McConkie declared, died to preserve the truth. 'All of the terms and conditions of the Father’s eternal plan of salvation became operative,' he testified, 'in and through Christ’s atoning sacrifice.' Because He died, we have a plan of salvation! Because He died, our righteous deeds will rise with us in the Resurrection. Because He died, we, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, may lay claim to a fulness of all that the Father has. With great emotion, Elder McConkie spoke of the “three gardens of God—the Garden of Eden, the Garden of Gethsemane, and the Garden of the Empty Tomb.” He taught us that Eden was 'a paradisiacal state,' one in which there could be no death, no procreation, and no probationary experiences. It was from such a state, he explained, that Adam and Eve stepped down to become the 'first mortal flesh on earth.'. 'Thus, Creation is father to the Fall; and by the Fall came mortality and death; and by Christ came immortality and eternal life. If there had been no fall of Adam, by which cometh death, there could have been no atonement of Christ by which cometh life,' he declared. With trembling in his voice, he concluded, 'And now, as pertaining to this perfect atonement, wrought by the shedding of the blood of God—I testify that it took place in Gethsemane and at Golgotha, and as pertaining to Jesus Christ, I testify that he is the Son of the Living God and was crucified for the sins of the world. He is our Lord, our God, and our King. This I know of myself independent of any other person. I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears. But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way'."

I love this testimony of the Savior and the plan of Salvation. As I was preparing for this talk, I asked several of my close friends and family members to write me a note on their feelings towards the plan of salvation. It was amazing to read all of these different testimonies. Some spoke of hope, infinite worth, love, peace, eternal families. One of the letters I received was from my cousin who is serving a mission in Kanas, and he wrote about when his little baby sister passed away and how he felt hatred and bitterness and anger and then when he looked at his parents and he saw them in a state of peace and comfort because they knew where she was and he talked about how he needed that peace in his own life and that he needed to know for himself. So he knelt down one night and he began to pray and ask Heavenly Father if it was all true and real and he said that he can testify to me and all of you that it is true. I remember I was at her funeral and I was crying and the pianist started playing, Families Can Be Together Forever, and I remember I was encompassed by the spirit and it confirmed that truth to me. I love all the different stories and examples that were in all the letters, they were all so different, but one thing they all have in common was that each and every one of the letters testifies of Christ and His atoning sacrifice.

I cannot put into words my feelings for the Savior, I've tried, but no words can explain the feelings I have when I think about Christ and His atonement. I love my Savior. I know He lives. He lives. There is no denying it. The atonement is my favorite subject to study. It is so difficult for me to comprehend. But the feelings I have when I am reading  about Christ suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane and upon The Cross, are undeniably the Holy Spirit testifying of that those moments really took place. Who would do that? Who would be judged at an imperfect trial, so that I, a sinner, could have a second chance and a third chance and as many chances as I need? What kind of love must that be. I can testify to you, that Christ was killed upon the cross,  because He loves us. I loved the hymn we sang in preparation for the sacrament, it was hymn #188 and verse one really stood out to me it goes like this,

"When in the wondrous realms above

Our Savior had been called upon

To save our world of sin by love,

He said, “Thy will, O Lord, be done.”
Thy Will, O Lord, Be Done"

He didn't go through all He did because He wanted glory, He didn't do it because He was commanded. He volunteered to suffer for our sins and give us a way to return to our true home, because He loves us.

I would like to add the testimony of Tad R. Callister. Brother Callister says, "One does not speak lightly of the Atonement or casually express him appreciation. It is the most sacred and sublime event in eternity. It deserves our most intense thoughts, our most profound feelings, and our noblest deeds. One speaks of it in reverential tones; one contemplates it in awe; one learns of it in solemnity. This event stands alone, now and throughout eternity. As Ammon recounted his success with the Lamanites, he gloried in The Lord, and then, in humble recognition of his inability to articulate it all, he declared, 'I cannot say the smallest part which I feel' (Alma 26:16). In like manner, the passions of my own heart extend far beyond my venal reservoirs. I feel as did Elder Marion G. Romney, who said, 'Contemplation of the Atonement . . . Moves me to most intense gratitude and appreciation if which my soul is capable.' Even then I am left sorely wanting. I have been trained by career to be a skeptic; it is inherent in the legal experience. But when it comes to the Savior, I am like a little child. I believe every written and spoken word of which he is the author. I accept every miracle "as is." I believe in every aspect of his divinity and rejoice in every drop of his mercy. I thank him again and again for his atoning sacrifice, but it is never enough--nor will it ever be. His redeeming act shall be remembered and savored "forever and ever" (D&C 133:52). I am overwhelmed, even humbled and 'amazed at the love Jesus offers me.' I feel as did Nephi, who joyfully confessed, 'my heart doth magnify his holy name" (2 Nephi 25:13). . . . I can truthfully testify that he lives. I now add my testimony to the many who have preceded me that his sacrifice was indeed an infinite and eternal Atonement."

As I've been working on my spanish, Sister Zelaya has been helping me learn to bear my testimony in spanish and I have it memorized and even though I don't understand much of what I'm saying. I can feel that it is truth. There is however a phrase that I do understand and is the most important phrase that I will ever say and that is, "yo se que JesuChristo vive." And that means, I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know it with my whole heart and I am excited to be able to tell the people of Guatemala that He truly lives and loves each and everyone of us and it is though Him that families can be together forever and death is not the end. As President Ucthdorf said, "there are no endings. Only everlasting beginnings." And I know that those everlasting beginnings were only made possible through our Savior and the Plan of Salvation. I know it is truly the Plan of Happiness and it is the only way we can be truly happy in this life. I love our Savior. I love this gospel. I know it is true with my whole heart.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

confessions of a future sister missionary

today is a day of confessions . . .

confession #1 -- I'm terrible at this blog thing, as you can probably tell it's almost been three months since my last post

confession #2 -- I'm not any better at writing in my journal . . . hopefully this mission thing teaches me to be better at writing

confession #3 -- I've been so blessed in ways I couldn't have ever imagined and owe it all to Heavenly Father.

financially, I've been more blessed than ever before in my life, which is such a relief and wonderful blessing I have one less thing to worry about.

this summer I've been blessed to have a flexible job that allowed me to spend as much time as possible with my family--my little sister even was able to come work with me sometimes.

 this summer I've been blessed with AMAZING friends & family members who have been nothing but supportive of me.

confession #4 -- I'm terrified to leave in 9 days & I hate talking about it. I don't know why . . . I guess if I don't talk about it, I don't have to think about it and I can just pretend I'm not leaving. it's probably not healthy to deal with it that way--but I'll have to confront it in a few days, so might as well avoid it and live in peace this next week ;)

confession #5 -- I am thee worlds WORST packer. Ever. I have two suit cases and both of them are already full and way over the weight limit and I haven't even packed everything! HELP ME!!

confession #6 -- I don't tell this to very many people, but I might as well let it out now . . . I don't want to leave. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for this adventure and this opportunity to share my beliefs and religion that I love so very much with the people of Guatemala, and I'm so grateful to be able to serve a mission, but I'm scared to leave. I'm comfortable with my life, and leaving that comfort zone is going to be hard to do. The more I've thought about it the more I've come to realize that all the reasons I want to stay are completely selfish and all about me. me. me. me. me. I use that word too much and am very grateful for this opportunity so I can learn that life is not all about me. As scared as I am I feel like this is what the Lord wants me to do. And I love the Lord. so here I am, deferring my scholarship, packing up my room, saying goodbye to my family and friends and am getting ready to leave.

next stop, Guatemala.